Backwards Night Dreaming of Camp, Illustrated

ZOELAB DAY 79

Here are some photographs that illustrate some of my pluses and minuses of living outside list from yesterday's post:

Plus #2

Plus #13

Minus #7

Plus #1

Plus #14

Plus #3

Minus #10

Plus #4

Check out our Camp Video.

what I learned from posting words and images (almost) every day for a year

I am sharing here, in honor of completing the 31 Day Art Journaling/Blogging Challenge, my second to last post from my first blog, ZOELAB 365, where I blogged every day for a year. This is the learning and meaning I made from that intense year, which catapulted me out of postpartum depression and into a highly-charged creative inner life that has informed me, and my professional work, ever since. 

THE WRITING PROCESS

I love to write. But writing is very taxing on the mind. I need to be alert, awake, I need to feel clear. I need few distractions. Also, writing takes time. No wonder writers always seem to be writing. Writing is the most time consuming art for me. Of course there are times when writing is quick—sometimes a poem just flows out of me, or sometimes I do free writing from the unconscious that is uneditable. But, for a lot of the writing I do on here—autobiography, essays, story-telling and even poetry has become a labor I work at and edit. 

Writing cannot be rushed. It takes as long as it takes. Feeling rushed is no good for writing. No good at all. Yet, structure is very good for writing. Therefore, I like to give myself regular periods to write. I like writing every day for about an hour, but not to let time determine when I am done with a particular piece. Having watched the emotional damage an unrealistic writing deadline did for Hannah in Season Two of Girls, I am convinced that kind of writing deadline is no good for no one. 

There is nothing good or bad about this discovery—it just is. But it does lead me to want to change the parameters of my next project. Writing every day is great. Publishing every day is a challenge I am not up for again, at least not this next go round. It is too taxing on my brain. 

Writing in the mornings is ideal. Writing in the afternoons with a cup of coffee is great too—but if I drink coffee in the afternoons then I can’t sleep at night, so therefore it is not ideal.

Insomniac writing can be very good for me--way healthier than lying bed with thoughts circling.

PROCESS

I like to have different stations already set-up around the house with pens, pencils, markers paper or notebooks, recording devices, books.

THE LONG VIEW

One of the lessons I have learned over and over this year is basically a cliché—when we hear something said the same way enough times we no longer pay attention, but here it is: nothing great is easy. It’s true. It just is. Going for our dreams, building a life that mirrors our values, living life that is less governed by practicality than it is fun, going for happiness—all of these sound great, but all require enormous amounts of sacrifice and hard work, which isn’t always fun. And time. Building a dream takes enormous amounts of time. It’s hard to be patient with long-term goals, but if you are like me and Lucas, and have a low income, you must make up for lack of funds with creativity, time spent and acceptance of a lower standard of polish--with the understanding that it is all in process. This is something I never understood before I moved to Baja, or even before I met Lucas. He reminds me over and over again when I start to become despondent about the state of our house or the vermin factor that we are working on it—it’s improving a little bit every day. Be patient. Take some time for relaxation or fun. It would be awfully hard for me to stay balanced if it weren’t for Lucas holding up the other side of life.

It’s all about priorities. Every day I make little and big choices based on these priorities sometimes I find myself doing something that does not align with one value, but it aligns with another, but in that moment—I must prioritize one value over another. And what I have discovered in motherhood—is that more and more often—I choose what’s good for me in the moment because I believe I am a better mother when I take care of my own needs first. This is not to say I neglect Emilio when he truly needs something. This is to say that I let him watch a video if I really need a break and he is particularly demanding of my attention. This is to say that I eat a snack before playing with him to avoid getting grumpy and hungry later. This is to say I go out dancing with my friends and risk being tired the next day so that I can release some energy and have fun and grown up time. 

AESTHETIC

I have honed my aesthetic which is fueled by different combinations of reality: dirt, simplicity, naiveté, freedom, and expression over perfection of skill. 

ORGANIZATION

Organization seems to be the bane of many creative people’s existence. I have come to believe disorganization is really an unwillingness to spend time organizing when that time can be used writing, thinking, reading, painting, lying on the couch, chatting with a friend, almost anything else seems more fun/valuable/less daunting. However, if I find a way to feel creative about organizing, and when I realize how useful it is for creativity, to be organized, organizing takes on a whole new meaning. The problem is organizing is quite time-consuming and overwhelming, it is best to take it one step at a time. Conquer one area of the house, or one aspect of my work at a time.

Being organized makes my creative time more efficient, fun and smooth. I think of creativity as a constantly flowing river that runs through us and through everything in the world. Our job is to continually work on letting that water flow, lest it become stagnant and disease-ridden mosquitoes hatch their eggs in it.

MEANING

I make meaning by paying attention and by making connection between things. I spin those connections into art.  

A YEAR

Is not nearly enough time to build something. Especially not a blog or a relationship or a business or anything at all. A lot can happen in a year, and yet, building something is a slow process. Especially if you are doing it all by yourself. But I have learned that I don’t want to build it all by myself. I am ready to have more collaborations/co-creations. 

I view creative collaborations as a game that two people agree to make up rules for as they go along.

PROCESS

As an artist, I have always been interested in revealing the process of art. Of artifice. As a way to burn through the ego and get to something more authentic, more spontaneous, more honest, more alive. I believe the truly revolutionary thing I am trying to do here is to study and reveal process. Process is our mess--it’s what happens on the way to what we show to the world. But I think process is what’s most interesting and valuable because it is how we learn, and how we learn is a big part of who we are. 

PERFORMANCE

One of the essential truths about me is that I am a performer. Now, I am not sure if a performer is the same thing as an extrovert, but certainly the two are related. However, I think the essential difference is that performance has around it an air of make-believe. Even if the performer is being him/herself to a certain degree, there is an assumed set of imaginary rules, an invisible (or sometimes visible) stage, frame or context that heightens what is being performed. A performer is creating, ideally, with a certain degree of spontaneity. Another aspect of performance that differentiates it from say, drawing, or writing, is physicality. The body. This is not to say that the body is not involved in drawing or writing, but usually not consciously--not for me anyway. The body is not usually a part of the creative process (except in the case of performance art, or artists who use their body as part of the work.) In performance—music, dance, acting—the body is the mode of communication in a more conscious way. I have really missed that. Performance is also about being seen. Making a more direct connection with the viewer. The viewer becomes the audience—it is more reciprocal. This kind of reciprocity is what I long for. There were moments of performance in zoelab 365, but it certainly was not the main focus, and the kind of blogging I did did not inspire performance. Performance is also a very vulnerable thing—the spontaneity lends itself to that kind of vulnerability which is both an attraction and a fear for me. I am not sure if I was fully ready to embark on that kind of journey—as putting myself out the public in the way that I have was already a new and risky thing. By now, after doing it every day (or nearly every day) I have gotten used to it.

HAPPINESS

What I learned is happiness is not a final destination, but a goal that is in the background of every choice I make. It is a pursuit. Perhaps satisfaction is really the state I am heading towards, and satisfaction is certainly not an outwardly-measured state. Satisfaction has everything to do with the meaning I make and the point of view I take.

PHOTOGRAPHY

When it comes to color, composition and style I have a very good eye as a photographer, however, I possess a certain laziness when it comes to technical skill. After being a photographer for twenty five years, I still basically don’t know how to use a flash, and therefore, almost never use one (except when shooting grass or trees or bugs—which looks awesome with a flash). The camera I use for most of my photos, except for my earlier work which was shot with a Nikon 35 mm film camera, is a Canon G12. It’s a great camera—but it is not at all a professional-level camera. It’s perfect for my everyday uses. I have mixed feelings about creating images that are “magazine style” – one of the key ingredients for this kind of imagery is using an SLR (single lens reflex) that creates short depth of field. This makes all photos look more professional, even when shot by an amateur. I have mixed feelings because an aspect, not only of my aesthetic, but of my art ethic is what as known in the music world as a “punk rock ethic,” or a “do it yourself” ethic. I have always been interested in exploring the high art/low art crossover, and the everyday ness of certain kind of art forms. I like the work to be accessible that gives people a feeling of “I can do that too!” And yet, at the same time, I do want my images to look as good as possible—I may be able to express even more creativity through having a camera that is that much sharper.  That being said,  one of my new goals is to explore using a higher quality camera--using Lucas’ 40D or even his new Mark 2 to get better, cleaner, sharper shots.

EVERY DAY

It was nearly impossible to recover/make up for a missed post. There were weeks where I tried for a while, but I’d get too behind, and then I had to put a little hole so that I could keep up with the current day I was blogging about. 

I love having something creative I do every day, but having to share it everyday created more drama in my life than I would like.

LONELINESS

I would say loneliness was a big part of why I decide to do this project. The interesting thing is my loneliness does not have a self pity feeling to it--I recognize that I could live a less lonely existence if I wanted, but I recognize some part of me needs loneliness. That perhaps loneliness is a an important part of my creative process. As is collaboration. This blog did not so much assuage my loneliness as much as clarify it. I think an artist needs both loneliness and connection. Again, it comes down to balance.

BALANCE

Perfection is the enemy of balance. Or rather, if the goal is to live a balanced life—accepting that no one thing is bad, as long is it is in balance with its opposite--then there is no room for perfection.

THOROUGHNESS

Sometimes it is my thoroughness, my desire to adhere to truth, my compulsion to do what I said I was going to do, that offers a certain kind of dizzy craziness. My oppressiveness in standards. It was the kind of effort that kept me up past midnight many times per week, or allowed me to let the house get filthy, or to let Emilio watch more videos than I think is good for him. It put a lot of my relationship with Lucas on hold, and made it so I had less time for other activities. It put me out of balance, as most of the work I did here was very Left Brain. I developed my mind and my work ethic more than anything, but I miss the more emotional, sensual parts of creative experience.

I cannot say exactly, but I estimate, that on average, it took 2.5 hours to make a post— after 350 days (I missed 15), that adds up to 875 hours of work, divided by 52 weeks, which is about seventeen hours a week. That is more time than I spend doing anything else other than sleeping—cleaning, cooking, exercising, working, reading, etc. It was a big commitment, but it was so worth it. Though I must be honest, I am so glad it’s about to be over.

Tools of the practice: Art Journal Lab

So now, I keep in my zippered pencil case for on the go art journaling: 

• 2-5 sharpies in my favorite colors: neon pink, dark blue, black, yellow, gray (fine, ultra fine)
• 2 mechanical pencils (1.3 mm, .5 mm)
• one mechanical eraser
• 1, 2 black Microns (size 01)
• 1-2 Pigma brush tip pens, in black and green or brown
• A yellow-green neon highlighter
• My favorite writing pen is often hard to find here in Baja, the Pilot Precise V7 Rolling Ball, black in ultra fine tip.

In my purse, I keep a 5.5 x 8 spiral bound journal

In my vintage green Samsonite hard briefcase, which I use as my indestructible computer case, I keep my 8.5 x 11 spiral-bound journal

In other words, I am NEVER with out my journal. And almost never with out my computer.

In 2011, getting ready for a two month family trip to Europe, I decided I wanted to draw and write during my travels, so I bought myself a small square spiral pad, a varied selection of markers, pencils and pens and a little zippered pouch to keep it all in. I was so excited by the idea of creating my own travel kit of varied supplies, rather than just bringing one set of the same type of utensil.

My plan for that trip was to create a drawing for each city we visited, something that summed up my experience and impressions of the place. I made about three, but dropped the exercise after that. But, that book and that idea stayed with me, and I used it to create illustrations for my ZOELAB 365 project, when I blogged everyday for a year. 

Two years ago, I decided to try to sell art journaling supplies at the local Farmers Market, near where I live in Southern Baja, Mexico. I bought the same zippered cases I had bought myself for my trip, as it turns out the company that makes those cases, Blue Q, has its headquarters in the Berskshires, where my parents live, and they know the owners. I LOVE their products because they are made from 95% post consumer materials, 1% goes to charity, and they are so useful, clever and good-looking. So it felt like a win-win to sell their products as way to promote art journaling and meet new people. 

This November, my husband and I opened Luz Gallery, a photography and graphics gallery in the heart of Todos Santos. I knew I would continue to sell the tools that I love to use for art journaling. Spiral bound notebooks of different sizes, moleskines (which are lightweight and great for travel), Micron pens (brush tip and regular tip), Sharpies of different types, and those same zippered cases from Blue Q. 

And now, for this 31 Day Art Journaling/Blogging Challenge, I am motivated again to share my recommendations for the tools of art journaling. Of course, everyone is different. Some people love colored pencils (pencils of color), water colors, photography, collage, or even crayons! I have an amazing artist/illustrator friend who loves to buy herself a full box of 64 Crayola crayons as a treat. 

As for me, I am mostly a marker and pen girl. Always have been. I studied oil painting in high school and college. But then decided it wasn't for me. I also have dabbled in watercolor. And find it very fun and playful. But, when it comes to drawing in my journal. I have always been crazy for that more graphic-y, comic-book-y, children's illustration look. I love black pen. I love filling in those lines with markers. My drawings have a naive look to them (sort of on purpose, sort of out laziness). Sometimes I try to make things look more realistic, but I also love the spontaneity of creating a line in ink and committing to its irregularity. 

However, one day, I did rediscover the pencil, and things have changed for me. It all started when I decided I really wanted to learn hand-lettering (and eventually sign painting) I bought a book on the topic, which was very inspiring and useful. It's a book by Mary Kate McDevitt called: Hand-Lettering Ledger: A Practical Guide to Creating Serif, Script, Illustrated, Ornate, and Other Totally Original Hand-Drawn Styles. Mary Kate advises in her book to pencil out your hand lettering before you ink it in, and then erase original pencil lines. It makes total sense, right? But I had never before thought of sketching letters first in pencil and then inking them. Using a pencil was one of those obvious revelations. Immediately, I started to get that I was capable of making my lettering and drawing more technically correct, if I just allowed myself to take the time. And used an eraser! 

But more recently, I have developed another hand-lettering technique, which is spontaneous and improvisational, which truly is much more my style. It's block letters made with a sharpie, with no sketching involved. I used it for this promo I made for my new song Rock-n-Roll Thing using this technique, which I videos on time-lapse with my iphone. The iphone is another tool that is very new to me. I just received my first smart phone as a gift in May, and it has changed a lot of how I do my blogging and social media creativity. 

If you want to jumpstart your creativity, whether you are an artist, writer, performer or just someone who wants to feel more engaged with daily life, I highly recommend that you create a system of capturing that works for you. Keep a notebook by your bedside table. One in your bag or purse. One at your desk. Always travel with something to sketch and take notes with. 

This is how we develop ideas, capture insights and engage with our daily life, even the most mundane aspects. Nothing is too shallow nor too deep to capture. 

There are so many more tools out there. But I wanted to start with the basics. Those are my basics.

What are yours?

A List of Future Blog Posts and Essay Topics

I have an opportunity to start blogging for a major website, yet I have hesitated to publish there. It's not fear exactly, that has kept me from taking that leap, but maybe a need for clarity, before I feel ready to put my voice out there in a bigger way.

Here is my list of blog post ideas (as well as longer essay pieces that I will eventually publish) that I have been mulling over.

• What is creativity?

• What is art journaling?

• How I lifted myself out of postpartum depression through art journaling, blogging and dancing

• How to use technology selectively

• How to be authentic on social media

• Phases of Creativity

• Is Our Obssession with Yoga is Killing Our Creativity?

• Art Advice in Opposites

• How to discover your soul’s code

• How to deal with the inner critic

• On being both an introvert and an extrovert

• What I love about living in Baja

• Narcissism, how to cure it and how it’s the last taboo

• How to be all your selves

• On death and the afterlife

• How you can bring more singing, dancing, writing, drawing & acting into your life

• Why I think Buddhism is sexist

• Why it’s important to be in love with yourself

• Love is the antidote for shame

• I am not an expat, I am an immigrant

• Creative Motherhood

• My philosophy: Living Life as Art

• A personal history of spirituality

• On Being In-Between: Androgyny, bisexuality, bilingualism, biculturalism and multi-identity

• How to create a class from a place of complete selfishness

• The paradox of parenthood and childhood

• How to slow down

• How to live your dreams after 40

• How to be a bad off-the-gridder, but an off-the-gridder all the same

• Why I want to be the voice of my (very small) generation

I am curious to hear what you think, which ones resonate with you or spark your curiosity? 

Why I must write

To write

before they wake up

before the sun rises

before the tea boils

before my thoughts become practical.

To write before I say why I shouldn’t

before I eat something,

before my stomach settles,

before I take a shit,

before I take off the layers of me that I put on for other people,

before

before

before.

Because if I do not write, something in me will surely die.

What is it? This something?

It is rain.

It is paradise.

It is the smallest voice of the surest truth.

It is the part that cannot speak.

It is the part that needs protection.

It is the part that saw me grow into a woman.

It is my voice.

Of invisible knowledge.

Of inside celebration.

Of inner heartache for the invisible and indescribable and untouchable.

I must get others to join me—in this waking up of the voice. 

In this holy act that no one will ask us to do.

I must lead the way for the others who are even quieter than me.

I ask you to wake up your own voice!

Let this voice

lead you to faraway places

allow you to end jobs and relationships and situations

that squelch this voice.

Or, at the very least,

if you cannot leave anything,

Make a space for yourself:

It can be a very small—

Small enough for you and your hands, and whatever you need to express your voice.

But, by all means, express this voice inside of you.

Because if you do not,

Something in you will surely die.

You will find it again, one day, when you return to the gentle listening,

But the voice will need some thawing and some massaging.

Something to WAKE IT UP!

So instead of waiting, 

Just do it now.

Okay?

Do it first. 

Before the kids wake up.

Before the sun rises.

Before the coughing stops.

Before you feel alright.

Before the other voices call you away.

Because I have a secret to tell you:

you were born an artist.

Because you have a soul,

and that soul speaks.

Your soul speaks!

It speaks in languages that are quieter and complex and sometimes unseen.

The language it speaks

is a kaleidoscope of pain and longing

And celebration.

The soul is eternal, as is art.

Which is to say, it exists outside of time.

Your job is to become alive to this language, this voice.

To ride inside time,

Like a mother attuned to her child’s quiverings and stirrings.

It belongs to you, but it belongs to the world.

Your soul doesn’t care 

If your voice sounds good.

It only wants to sound like itself.

Start From Where You Are For Blogging and Art Journaling

This is not the first time I have titled a blog post with this title. And it won't be the last either. 

Start from where you are.

It's the best advice I can give anyone looking to explore their creativity, find truth, or get started on a project that feels daunting.  For this advice, I am thinking of the bloggers and art journalers who have joined me on this month-long challenge to blog or art journal every day. I am thinking of my commitment to this practice, and the inspiration that I want to offer people.

I love this advice so much that I even teamed up with my friend/collaborator/colleague Holly Mae Haddock, and together, we wrote a song about it when I told her how I was going through a stuck period with songwriting, singing and guitar playing. It's called: Where I Am.

Here is the chorus:

I'm gonna start from where I am.  

With no memory or plan.                                                                                                                

I'm gonna offer who I am.                                                                                                                    

I'll be my own biggest fan.

How do you start from where you are? 

For me, it's always about looking within. Connecting within. It usually means closing the eyes. Slowing down the breath. Opening the imagination. It means turning on our awareness. What do we actually feel? It means noticing what kind of energy do we have right now in this moment, before we change it all with a thought, with a "should" or a "have to"?

And then, once we get a little taste of it, we create from that place. Maybe I notice I am feeling anxious and I focus on that feeling for a moment, and then draw that feeling. Or maybe it means I have an image of a little girl, and I want to create from the space that she occupies inside me, using crayons, or dancing to music she likes. 

For art journaling, it means capturing an essence of our experience, what is up for us, what feels important, juicy, or even scary. If you are art journaling, it is most likely private, and so the space of the journal page is a really safe place to let it all out. There are no limits to what you can create there--sometimes it's nice to start with something really simple. A feeling, an image, something that you are connecting with in this very moment. And then let it flow from that place.

Every blogger is different in terms of your goal, themes, styles, topics. My blogging sweet spot is about communicating something that usually stays inside. Sharing something that I would normally want to hide from people in everyday conversation. I like the feeling of the risk of sharing that kind of material on my blog. The shadow. It's what drives me. My shadow material might not look the same as yours--and it might not seem risky to you. But what's important is how it feels to you, the blogger. 

Morning Pages

One of the best, easiest and most rewarding practices for art journaling or blogging, is morning pages. For those who don't know, morning pages is an exercise that Julia Cameron invented in her book about the spirituality of creativity called The Artist's Way. It's basically the same thing as stream of consciousness writing. Her version is write 3 pages in a notebook with a pen or pencil with out stopping. I have adapted her exercise for my Art Journal Lab class, and set the timer for 15 minutes and do not limit the exercise to the morning (as our class meets in the afternoon.) Also, I am okay with doing the practice on a computer, though Julia insists on doing the morning pages with paper and pen. What matters most, in my opinion, is that you write with out editing, with out stopping, with out letting the critic get in your way. You write out the most mundane stuff in your mind, as well as the deepest stuff. It's a writing meditation, and it works. It allows us to get to know the contents of our mind before we block ourselves. The writing does not have to be good or even interesting. It's a process exercise designed to empty the chatter in our mind, and to let out the thoughts and feelings that are under that white noise. So on days you really don't know what to do with your blogging or your art journaling. Just write for 15 minutes with out stopping. If you are blogging, you might find something useful in there that you can edit or expand afterwards and turn into a blog post.

For the visual component, one thing you can do with your morning pages is scan the words after you are done to look for words that feel important to you. You can circle them with a colored pen (pen of color) and then choose one or a few to illustrate your blog post or your journal. Let yourself play--it's not about perfection but about exploring your visual senses in addition to your verbal expression.

In June 2015, I decided to quit Facebook because I was feeling frustrated by the lack of authentic expression on there--mine and others. I wanted to be real, but I didn't feel safe to be real, so I returned to my blog and committed to blogging daily for the month of June. I gave myself the parameter of writing daily for 15 minutes (morning pages on the computer). Then I gave myself another half hour to edit and expand, and add imagery and turn into a blog post. It was such a wonderful way to make my blog feel more alive, and I developed a more confessional style. I will be sharing some of those blog posts with you soon!

Let me know in the comments below how it goes for you to start from where you are.

Does any resistance come up?

If so, start from there. 

31 Day Art Journaling and Blogging Challenge

Join me on January 1st 2017 for my next 31 day challenge. I will be blogging and/or art journaling every day for the month of January in order to promote art journaling, return to my hiatus from blogging regularly, and to develop my art journal lab online course which I plan to release on my website in 2017. 

This creative challenge combines Art Journaling and Blogging. Meaning, if you choose to join this challenge, you can pick one of these daily practices, or both—alternating between the two, however you feel inclined to do it. In some cases your art journaling practice might become a digitized blog post. 

I imagine your reasons for joining this challenge will be varied. Some may use it as a way to get back into blogging or to start your first blog. For some, it may be a very private practice of meditative writing and drawing. And for others, it might a wild time to experiment, with no goal other than to unleash your creativity.

For me it is about four things: 1) To get back into blogging 2) To develop and my material for the upcoming art journal lab online course 3) To promote and teach art journaling 4) To attract new readers to my blog

What is art journaling?

Art Journaling is a process that combines visual art (drawing, painting, collage, or photography) and text. Art Journaling can consist of intimate journal entries, poetry, doodling, hand lettering, free associative writing, list-making. Putting those two aspects of our experience together on the same page: visual and verbal is the basis for all art journaling.

My version of art journaling combines techniques, theories, and assignments from my work as an expressive arts therapist and creativity coach. I also have been teaching Art Journal Lab, a class that combines these techniques, in Todos Santos for the past five years. I teach people the tools, philosophy and basic skills they need to interact with the different parts of self, which I refer to as the inner family of self. I create a structure that makes it possible to connect to the invisible parts that we feel, but don’t always acknowledge or express. I have a Masters’s in Counseling Psychology, with a focus on Expressive Arts Therapy, meaning I use drama, dance, music, writing and visual art as a form of therapeutic intervention with the goal of integrating the personality, healing trauma and practicing new ways of being. I also teach creativity, not only for all types of artists, but for anyone who wants to practice a more empowered, creative and compassionate way of being in the world. I believe the most important relationship we have is with ourselves, but this is often the relationship that gets shoved by the wayside as we tend to prioritize everything else: our spouse or partner, our children, our work, our home, our family of origin. I believe if we cannot engage in a creative, conscious, curious and compassionate way with ourselves, we are not living up to our full potential and cannot offer the full version of ourselves to anything we do. The more we know ourselves, and ultimately, accept and love ourselves, the more good we can do for our families, friends, communities and our world. It’s an inside out approach—which is the reverse of what we have been trained to do in our culture.

You do not have to be a trained artist or writer to do art journaling. Anyone who can pick up a pen or pencil and has a blank book can do art journaling. There are no special supplies that are necessary, though I will be sharing some of my favorite tools on the blog. My mission in life for a while now, has been to show how everyone is creative, and that the arts were meant to be used by all of humanity as a tool to discover the soul, and to engage in life in a more balanced, compassionate way. Through our engagement with the arts, we are able to make space for expressing the darkness, the unconscious parts of ourself, instead of acting those parts out on others. It is particularly this, this engagement with the shadow (the parts of us we do not see or do now want to see, or feel) that is the creative gold of this work. When we have the courage to bring our light of consciousness to our own shadow, we are able to unearth our previously buried psychic energy so we can make use of even our darkest pain.

I know this not only from the work I have done with my students and clients, but also from my own personal journey, which I recently shared in my talk at Women Awakening, the first women’s summit in Todos Santos. In my talk, I shared my philosophy, artwork, music and personal story, about what it means to be yourself, which is about being, and ultimately loving, all your selves. Sharing this talk was a personal revelation for me, as I discovered what it felt like to open myself up and share authentically, weaving my professional, personal, intellectual and artistic life in one space. My goal, recently, has been to integrate these disparate parts of myself. I have intuitively felt that this way we separate our different selves is not just a problem for me, but for many others, and especially for women, who struggle so much with disappearing into our roles. The goal is not to disappear into any one role, but to bring your whole self to every role you do, so you have access to all your selves whenever you need them. I believe this is the goal of human development. And through our working with what we are, in an honest way, we also access our spiritual power. It has been my experience that when we contact our soul, spirit arrives, aiding that process.

What is Blogging?

As many of us know, the reasons and ways to blog can vary greatly. It can be a tool to promote business, a way to keep track of your travels or other kinds of adventures, or a way to promote and share your creative work, political ideas, or simply to connect with your inner life. Whether it is for your business, for personal, or political expression, I believe a successful blog always stems from personal truth. If your business or your politics has no degree of personal connection for you, then perhaps you already have a great topic to or journal or blog about why this is so.

The most difficult and most important part of what it means to blog, or even journal, is that it is regular, preferably daily. It is also, as many bloggers will attest, the key to success. (Getting readers to read your blog.) From my experiences with daily practices, which is something I promote in my art journal lab class, as well as personally, I have come to believe in the amazing power of creating a daily practice, especially something that helps you connect with yourself, with the invisible world, feelings and other parts of us that we usually work hard to avoid, push down or unconsciously act out on others. These types of inward-directed daily practices keep us holistically healthy because they keep us connected to something true and deep in us.  These kinds of daily practices have helped me out depression, anxiety, a sense of loss, relationship issues, and more. They have helped me enormously with my creativity as an artist and as a mom and human being—when you do something daily, it forces you to be more creative with it—otherwise you get bored. We tend to look for new ways, new approaches when we know we have to do it everyday. 

So, use the term blogging however you feel connected to it—my definition is as follows:

To share words and images (hopefully self-generated) online about any topic, as long as it has has meaning or importance to you personally. One additional other feature: it must be dated for it to be a blog post, otherwise it is just a webpage. The date makes it time-connected, and therefore, applicable to a certain moment of time for you. This is the same for art journaling.

I love blogging because it delivers a sense of immediacy that appeals to the performer in me. Blogging is a digital performance—the act of baring a personal truth, an art piece, or just a slice of life, with others, sometimes strangers, sometimes not, brings me a certain thrill. If it doesn’t feel thrilling, a tiny bit risky, I usually don’t blog about it. For each of us the thrill will come for different reasons, in different areas. What is risky for me may not feel risky for you. And so it is very much up to you to come up with your own topics to write about. A blog post can be very simple or complex. There is no rule in this department. A blog post might simply be sharing a photograph you took that day and sharing a little caption or small story or sentence that explains it. Other times a blog post might be a highly informative piece that is designed to help and/or inside others learn a specific skill (EG: this post you are reading now.) Some blog posts have taken me 15 minutes to create, others have taken four hours. Neither is better than the other—the beauty of blogging is that it keeps going. We can’t get to hung up on our last blog post, because we are already thinking about our next one! This represents the natural flow of life. We cannot afford to get perfectionistic about our daily practices, they are designed for us to make mistakes, and to learn and grow from them, that is why they are practices. If you think of your blog or your art journaling as a practice and it will help you let go of the inner critic.

Those are the reasons I create these challenges--creativity, connection, personal truth. It is most certainly a challenge to do something everyday with out fail. But it is also very rewarding. 

I can't wait to see what it might do for you!

STAY TUNED FOR JANUARY 2019 ART JOURNALING/BLOGGING CHALLENGE!

She's a Rock-n-Roll Thing

I have a birthday wish that I’d like to share. I am taking the risk of not keeping it secret, because this is a wish that needs to be voiced in order to come true.

It is vulnerable to promote myself or ask for help. This is because I received the message at an early age that females are not to be proud, show off, or even love ourselves. We are to be humble, and hide our shininess because we our power or vulnerability might offend someone, make them jealous or uncomfortable. I have lived a double life for as long as I remember: walking the thin and anxious line between the silent, good girl who people-pleases and stays safe and the outspoken, spiritually-open, emotional, powerful part that has a LOT to fucking say.

“I want to tell you that that dream is your truth.”

After hearing a little bit of the hateful response to Ms. Hillary, and other women of power, I can see why this message exists. It is indeed a dangerous thing to be a girl or woman of power, a woman in the public, a woman with something to say. It makes sense because women who stand in power are targets. It is scary to be a target, especially in the age of the internet. However, it is even more dangerous to be a woman who keeps silent, and does not speak her truth.

I know so many women who struggle with this daily, as well as men, teens and children too. It is a terrifying thing to not conform, to express the dissenting view, to be original, to stand out, to follow your own path, to embrace the shadow, to feel and express our darker emotions, to embrace all of our selves.

I see a lot of quotes floating around the internet about how important it is to be your self, but with little advice or help in how to actually do this. I see becoming one's true self as the ultimate work of art, and the highest goal of life. Only from becoming whole, can we reach our fullest potential and highest purpose. Only from becoming whole within can we transform our culture and world. This is the work that I am called to do—teaching, supporting and encouraging people to live out all of their selves. And after a life time of studying, teaching and practicing the many art forms I am called to, I have come to believe the arts are the perfect container to speak the shadow of your truth. To express the vulnerability and shame that holds us back, to speak our soul’s longing, to communicate the unique way we don’t fit into the box society conveniently made for us, to own both our power and love, our masculinity and femininity. The arts allow us to express all of our selves because the arts are a container that allow that raw material to be symbolic. This is my professional work as well as my own personal journey of self-actualization, selves actualization. My very vulnerable work lately has been integrating these two sides of me: healer/teacher/coach with artist/performer/writer. In fact, I will be speaking on this topic and singing my songs at the concert following along with a group of other outspoken and heart-centered women, in exactly one month, Dec. 3rd, at the first Women Awakening, an international women’s summit in Todos Santos, the town in Southern Baja where I work.

I want to share with you my shadow side today, the part of me that I have worked hard to hide, especially from myself, for most of my life. This shadow side is powerful, masculine, and fucking loves to curse. This shadow side is critical of culture, has some strong opinions, and is non-conformist. This shadow side is angry, loves to take up space and has a powerful voice. This shadow side is also witchy, emotional and mystical and holds a deep spiritual faith. This part of me is a rock-n-roll thing. 

I have had some bold moments through out my life where I expressed this shadow side, in the safer, smaller contexts of the fancy private schools I was lucky to attend, and with my first all woman rock band, social service, in NYC. But then, eight years ago, after receiving my master's in psychology and expressive arts therapy, I got pregnant, and moved to a piece of land in the desert off the grid with my husband, started a family, let go of all of my previous selves, and completely started over from scratch. I dropped out of the society I had always known, transforming from city girl to pioneer woman. This new way of living put me in everyday contact with culture’s shadow: nature. Bugs, scorpions, snakes, hurricanes, off the grid toilet adventures, camping, even motherhood. All of it has kicked my ass, grew me up and made me deeply grateful for the loads of privilege I was born with and continue to experience. This gratitude has fueled a volunteer community work, and has given me a simple and profound enjoyment of everyday family life. This appreciation for life has also led me to create classes, workshops and relationships that are deeply meaningful and fulfilling, and has kept me writing and reading fervently, looking deep within, and continuing to practice my music in my living room.

But... there is still one thing that nags at my heart.  There is still one part of my self that I continue to hide more than I would like to, because I am afraid. As much as I long to reach a wider audience, I am still deeply afraid to be heard and seen, of what could happen in my life if I truly put myself out there and pursued the huge dreams that I have kept mostly to myself. I am afraid of alienating others, of people’s judgment, criticism, ridicule, jealousy. I am afraid of how raw it feels to share all of my selves, to use my voice. Of the vulnerability of not fitting into a pre-existing category of identity, especially gender identity. But, there is something I am even more afraid of: NOT doing it. Staying silent. I know too well what that feels like. I am afraid of dying with out having lived out all of my selves, with out connecting with the people in the world I would like to reach. With out people hearing my songs, and reading the books I am writing, with out watching the sit com I have been developing for over eight years. As afraid as I am of being seen and heard, I am even more afraid of staying silent. As Anaïs Nin famously said, “and the day came when remaining in the tight bud was more painful than it the risk it took to blossom.” That day has come.

And so here’s the part where you come in--the wish part, the part where I am asking for your help.

I want to share with you my latest song, Rock-n-Roll Thing, which is my first release in 13 years, since my first band, Social Service. I have at least 20 more songs to record and release. I hope this song will inspire others to ignore the voices inside that tell them what they can’t do, what they shouldn’t do, and instead listen to that other voice, that quieter voice, that speaks for your soul, and that dreams big. I want to tell you that that dream is your truth. I know this because as a child I wanted desperately to be a singer, but I was told not to sing, that I was no good. I wanted to be an actress, but I was told my voice was too quiet and I couldn’t get into the school play. I continued to stay silent while I expressed myself in other forms. I continued to pursue these dreams, despite all the rejection and heartbreak. Over the years, as much as I tried, I just couldn't turn away from that shadow self that part that had something to say, the part that dreamed big.

Some of you may know that I am a huge Lena Dunham fan, who is a controversial creative person and an outspoken feminist--a beloved voice in our culture, as well as a target. I have read Ms. Lena's book twice, Not That Kind of Girl, and lend it out to anyone who wants to read it. I have watched every episode of Girls at least 3 times. Even though Ms. Lena is many years younger than I am, we attended the same high school and college, and she has been able to be massively successful in multiple creative careers, the very same careers I pursued at her age. When I was in my twenties, I was only just beginning to learn how to use my voice. I admire Ms. Lena for her commitment to being herself, the quality and honesty of her work, for being willing to be transparent, vulnerable and stand up for and support other women and for what she believes. I admire her for sharing her shadow side, her mistakes and regrets. She is not perfect and neither am I. No one is perfect. It’s time for women and girls, and all humans, to own our imperfections and be willing to be seen and heard. It's time for us to make it safe for ourselves to share our shadow selves, and all of our selves.

I shared this one minute promotional video on instagram a few weeks ago, which I have been using as a microblogging platform, a relatively safe way of practicing being all my selves. Every day for the past few months, since I received my first smarty phone as a very generous gift, I have challenged myself not to hold back from sharing my passions, creativity, life and work online. But I have now decided, on my 43rd birthday, to share my song with a larger group in hopes that it makes its way to Ms. Lena Dunham and that she might consider the song for Girls. She has recently finished shooting the final season, and I imagine the show is still in post-production. There may be time for this song to still be considered. It’s a long shot, but it’s worth a try. I figure with my Saint Ann’s and Oberlin networks, someone knows someone who knows Ms. Lena Dunham.  All I ask for is a listen.

If you have five minutes, please listen to my song, Rock-n-Roll Thing, and if you like it, please share with others who you think will like it. Please show your support by buying it and downloading it, and sharing with your networks. Please share this blog post. Anything you can do to spread this message and this song.

Soon I will be shooting the music video, which will feature four of my selves-the singer, the drummer, the keyboardist and the guitar player. In the video I will be playing with gender roles and instruments and parts of self. In this version of Rock-n-Roll Thing I am playing all the instruments, and did all the recording and producing myself on Garageband. I turned myself into a one woman band just to prove to myself that I could. I have come far from that little girl who got rejected from the school play in 6th grade on account of my voice being too quiet.

Together, we can make this birthday wish come true!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support.

Love and creativity,
Zoë

That which is all of you

Today I meditated, and I felt through all my chakras. And I saw again how my stuckness is in chakra 3 and 4. Power and Love. And that through my love of 3 and 4, my liberation of 3 and 4, I will become whole and fulfill my destiny.

I talk about destiny because I feel it. It’s a feeling in me, that I’ve always had. It’s consistently there and it always relates to voice, of being seen and heard. Of reaching many people. My destiny always speaks to me of the child, of the woman, and the man. My destiny speaks to me of love. My destiny speaks to me of innocence and kindness and creativity. My destiny speaks to me of community. Of human potential. My destiny speaks to me of transformation—the butterfly. And annihilation and creativity—the spider. And what is the symbol of love? The heart. And what is the symbol of wholeness? The circle. And what is the symbol of integrating opposites—the mandorla. The circles overlapping. And so these are my symbols.

What is unique in you that must emerge in this lifetime?

It is your duty to give birth to it.

During my meditation, I wrote something in my head.

It went like this:

Let’s assume for a moment that you do have gifts. That you possess something so unique and so beautiful that no one can touch it. No one can reproduce it or steal it. It belongs only to you and will be with you through this lifetime and possibly into the next.

And if you trusted and had faith in your gifts, you would know how to nurture and protect them as if they were your children.

And then what?

You must find a way to look unflinchingly at your inner truth. You must find a way in, and bring wholehearted compassion to all the dark corners of your being. You must love all of yourself. The pettiness of the ego, the fear, the hatred, the intense neediness of the child. You must love all of it. And through that love, you will find the secret gold of your empowerment, and the fullness of your unique gifts.

You must, by any means, find a way to let your ego work in service of your gifts. You must learn to work hard, harder than you thought you were capable of, not hard in the sense of rushing around and busyness, but hard in the sense of steadfast and devoted. A labor of love. That kind of labor—where it transcends work, and feels like deliverance of your soul.

And then, by all means, you must find a way to share the fruits of your labor. You must be willing to dig down deep and face the fear that keeps you hidden and keeps your vulnerability disguised. You must find a way to let this work by seen. Not by anyone. But by those who have earned your trust. One at a time, gradually, with gratitude and non-attachment, lifting the veil, sharing the truth of your soul.

I came here to liberate the soul from the constrictions of culture. The constrictions of gender, of identity, of race, of abuse, of neglect, of trauma, of avoidance, of apathy, of the illusion of isolation, of brokenness. I came here to teach you how to liberate yourself from the box in which you put yourself. I came here to remind you who you really are. That you are complete and full of love. That you are much more than your mind. Or body. That you are both a fully unique soul that lives on this planet in this precious lifetime, and you are part of something much larger than any one mind can fathom. Your heart beats in the universal rhythm of the one heart, the one love. This is the one love of Bob Marley, and Jesus, and Buddha, and Mohammad. This is the one love of Rumi and John Lennon, and Gandhi, and Martin Luther King Jr. And what about the women, hidden in history, who felt and feel this message? Who know this with out even speaking its name. Yes, them, too. Us, too. This is the one love of all of humanity.

We are all of evil and of good. We are all of darkness and of light. When we encompass all of who we are in love, we no longer suffer. We find our wholeness, and we can shine.

7.4 billion bodies. 7.4 billion minds. 7.4 billion souls.

One Heart.

Lower East Side Photo Essay

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Found on the bathroom wall at the Whole Foods

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Professional Sign Painter Dos Equis Ad

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School Mural

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Can you see the public art on this building?

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All the layers of NYC

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Rapper who sold me his CD

Last week I went to NYC for my 25th high school reunion. After several intense days of fun reconnecting with friends, I left my last day to walk around NYC with myself on "art date".  I didn't want to overplan my day. I wanted to keep a certain degree of spontaneity and discovery. I wanted to do a little shopping, and then take in a little culture-a museum, or some galleries. That is if I could find any with out the help of a smart phone.

I took the train to Prince Street, and after visiting some stores, I decided to walk East to see if I could find some interesting culture.

I walked downSuffolk street looking for galleries or shops. As I walked I found only one tiny gallery. It took a look inside, but it didn't inspire me, so I kept walking.

As I walked it occurred to me that I had never actually walked down that street before. It was a residential neighborhood, and what struck me most was how much it still looked like the NY I remembered from the 80's and 90's (I left new York in 2003). I had been hearing reports from people that NY had gone completely corporate, and no longer had any grit or a vibrant art scene. I had even experienced that myself. But as I walked through the lower east side--I saw more and more evidence of vibrant community.

I passed by a giant mural in front of a school, and I started to feel inspired, and I took out my camera and took pictures. I have such a big crush on sign painting. And then it started to occur to me very gradually as I walked. I don't need to go to a museum to see art. There's art here all over the streets.

I decided to let my intuition or guidance from higher self lead the way, and found my body naturally leaning towards certain streets as I walked. Sure enough I would turn the corner and find yet another giant mural. One after the other.

Eventually I walked north of Houston, and then up Saint Mark's Place towards the subway on Broadway. I took all of these photos along the way. Luckily, I had light on my side. That kind of crisp late afternoon sun that I associate with the fall in NYC.

As I headed up Saint Marks' I ran into this guy: a rapper. (I have to look up his name, which I have forgotten.) He asked me if I liked 90's hip hop as I passed him. He must have known from my age. "Yes," I said. "I do." He pitched his new CD to me, and I bought it for $10. Another example of good old fashioned marketing and public art.

I admit it: I do miss the 90's.

Art Journal Lab: Gratitude Practice

In Art Journal Lab last week, the theme was gratitude practice.

I know, I know. Everyone's talking about gratitude these days, and we all know how important it is to feel grateful. But it never can hurt to have a reminder or a structure in how to connect to our gratitude. As much as I know how helpful gratitude is for wellness and happiness--I had never brought this topic to my class. It felt like it was time.

As I was flying back from NYC to Baja, I was aware of feeling a new emotional low--what might be called a period of the dark night of the soul. A time when I have lost connection with my vitality & inner purpose. A time when I feel a lot of self-doubt and anxiety. During these times I am usually not creating as much, and the lack of my music and writing practice has a negative effect on my emotions. My higher self put these practices in place for me because she knew that I am emotionally sensitive and high-energy, and that I need multiple and regular channels in which to express all that is erupting out of me. But sometimes I go through brief periods where I avoid my practices because my inner critic is lurking in those shadows, and I don't want to confront her (or them, as I have a trio of inner critics.)

When all else fails, or is too scary or complex, gratitude practice is an easy and quick way to raise your vibrational frequency, or in other words, for those of you who don't relate to that view of the universe, to feel better.

Here are five types of gratitude that I shared in class:

1) Go To Gratitude - What is easy for you to feel grateful for. This will be different for each of us, but my go to gratitude is my beautiful son Emilio.

2) Bottom Line Gratitude - What may or not be easy for you to feel grateful for, but what is always there, what is essential and what you can connect to in the present moment. EG: Being alive, Health, Spirit or God, Nature, Having a body, or feelings.

3) Self Gratitude - Feeling grateful for your unique gifts. This is helpful when we are feeling low in confidence and are only identifying with our insecurities. We all have unique gifts.

4) Future Gratitude - Connecting with what you are creating in your life, or trying to attract (if you are working on the law of attraction method of magnetizing what you most desire in your life). Imagining that you already have the thing, situation, experience, quality that you are cultivating and then feeling grateful for it. Filling ourselves up with gratitude is the best way for us to attract what we want to bring into our life.

5) Past Gratitude - This perhaps is the hardest one of all, but possibly the most beneficial in terms of being able to transform suffering into meaning. This is one of the exercises we worked on in class. First, through meditation, pick a few moments of your day yesterday that you feel grateful for right now. Really focus on the feeling of gratitude. Where does it live in your body? Imagine it. Breathe into it. Allow it to grow. Then go through your yesterday again, and pick one thing that was a struggle for you. Now see if you can find some gratitude about some aspect of the difficult experience. Did you learn something important about yourself or another? Was there something present that you felt grateful for even though what you were mostly noticing the struggle?

Try these practices yourself. Pick 10-15 minutes where you won't be interrupted. Allow yourself to relax through deep breathing and asking your muscles to relax. Then pick a day or time period that you want to focus your gratitude on and pick one of the above practices. Feel free to share here how it went for you.

Latest Family Drawing

Emilio and I haven't been drawing much this year. He's been busier with school--now that he's in first grade. And I've been busy with work. But I so miss drawing with him. When we collaborate, he adds a certain quality I could never have--a boldness of shape, which is somehow simultaneously careful and carefree. My marks are usually repetitive and obsessive--which makes a nice contrast with Emilio's style. Usually Emilio makes the first quick marks--setting up the overall composition and then I will spend hours, sometimes spread over a few days, filling in all the spaces. This is the process in which we made last weekend's drawing.

Here it is:

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Quotes as Prompts into Personal Truths: Anaïs Nin

A good quote is an invitation, an invitation into oneself. We resonate with certain sayings or phrases because they awaken a truth in us. They offer something we would have liked to say, but couldn’t quite get there. Certain words create an allowing, a sense that it’s okay to be who you are, or a push, to let yourself be more than you thought you could be.

Over the next few days, I will be sharing some of my favorite quotes, and why they speak to me on a personal level.

““The lasting revolution comes from deep changes within ourselves that influence the collective life.” - Anaïs Nin”

This is the quote that I chose to have on the front page of my blog because it, more than any other quote, speaks to the inner mission of the work I do. It speaks both to the smaller and larger purpose—the individual soul and the soul of the world. As I mature, and enter middle age, I see how important it is to me that the work I do has an impact on society, on the collective life. In fact, if I look closely at my history, I would say that that goal has always been there, even if it has sometimes been hidden from my view.

As a teenager, after watching the movie Pump Up the Volume with Christian Slater, about a teenage boy who was a secret rebel—through his radio show—he stirred up a conservative small town into acknowledging and rebelling against its own rigidity. Watching that film awakened me to my soul’s mission: to be a voice of impact and awakening for humanity. There have been times that I have gotten caught up in the ego’s desires to have fame or recognition, to be popular. It is clear to me now, after much inner work, that these desires link to a very old need for be respected and acknowledged. But when I look more closely, and open up to my heart’s mission, I see that my goal is to have an impact on how people live. I want people to experience life more fully and deeply. I want them to open up to who they really are. To experience both their unique soul’s manifestation as well as opening up to the universal Self.

In yoga yesterday, Marimar, the teacher, invited us to ask ourselves: “what is my life’s purpose?” Immediately, the answer came: “to be myself & to help others be themselves.” It was a feeling of happy recognition. After all, the title of the workshop I have led for the last five saturdays is Be All Your Selves, and this becoming my catch phrase, as well as the lyrics to one of my songs.

I have discovered that in order to be yourself, you must first allow yourself to explore and integrate all the smaller selves, or subpersonalities, or archetypes. This is my updated version of Jung’s discoveries about human as well as spiritual development. Personally, I have struggled deeply with being myself.  It can be so hard to simply just be yourself, when we often don’t know what that is, or what that would look like. But in any given moment we can contact an aspect of Self through a role we play, or an emotion we feel, we can explore that part, accept it, love it, the slow process of integrating it into the whole.

Its this process of integration that is the core of the work that I do: both for myself and for others, by focusing on the individual experience of self-actualization, we change the restrictive nature of our culture, one awakening at a time.

Do you have a favorite quote that reminds you of your life's purpose?

Art Journal Lab: Soul Searching

For the past several weeks, we have been exploring the acorn theory of soul, as proposed by the late psychologist James Hillman, in his book, The Soul's Code: In Search of Character and Calling. As I often do with books that are poetically written, deep and radical, I am taking a long time to read this book. It was lent to me by a friend, and so I can't write ecstatic notes or underline my favorite paragraphs as I often do. Instead, I do what I did as a teenager. I copy long sections of the beloved book into my journal. There is something about rewriting the book into my journal that gives me the feeling that I am digesting the material more deeply.

The basic idea of the book, which has radically altered how I see my life and my relationship to its events, is: each person has a unique soul, which is invisible to us for most of our life, but as we pay more attention to our life and its history, we start to see signs, symbols, memories that point the way to our soul's code which expresses who we were meant to be. The soul is an acorn--containing all of our unique potentialities from before the beginning of life. The soul even chooses which parents it wants to born to. This calls for a radical re-invisioning of psychology's notion that the way the parents raise their child is what form's the child's personality and pathologies.

Soul is so elusive and perplexing, it feels like a scary theme to bring to my art journal class. And yet, I feel deeply energized and inspired by this kind of work. It feels exactly like the kind of thing I need to be doing. Both for myself, and others. In class, we have been trying different ways of imagining into each of our soul's to find understanding and meaning and to help us make choices that are in alignment with the soul's purpose.

These are the words that Hillman uses interchangeably for the word soul:

 ACORN    DAIMON    CALLING    CHARACTER    IMAGE    GENIUS    FATE   IMAGE    DESTINY

“These many words and names do not tell us what it is, but they do confirm that it is. They also point to its mysteriousness. We cannot know what exactly we are referring to because its nature remains shadowy, revealing itself mainly in hints, in intuitions, whispers, and the sudden urges and oddities that disturb your life and that we continue to call symptoms.”

Here is a poem I wrote to my art journal lab students, as an invitation to try on this theory for a few weeks, and see what they might discover about their soul's.

Imagine

even with your terror

and exquisite heartache

that everything that is

is exactly how it should be.

Your story of suffering

that you sometimes cling to,

your most secret unfulfilled longing,

your rage that you can barely touch,

your most outrageous largeness

that calls to you

(in the dark)

What if all of that were

exactly what your soul ordered

to live itself out,

to engage its depth and mystery

to grow it into the world

to become what it already is?

I have decided recently that I will be developing the art journal lab course material into an online course or an ebook. So I will be blogging more here on what we are working on in art journal lab as a way to continue to develop the material that I have been working on for the past five years.

In one of our recent art journal lab classes, I led the students into a guided visualization where they contacted their earliest memory, and then drew a picture of that memory. They then wrote in their journals--describing more deeply what the experience was like. Some of them dialogued with the child from the memory, to go even deeper. The process allowed each person to discover a seed of her soul.

My theory is: memories from childhood are moments of awakening to the soul. I believe we remember moments of childhood because there was something elemental there, some awareness of self or soul that was not there previously. What we remember is significant and says something to us about our unique destiny.

What is your earliest childhood memory and what about this memory resonates with your soul's callings or yearnings?

when i grow up

This is what I had want to express tonight when I perform, but if I don’t, then at least it is here:

After I play When I grow Up.

When I grow up, I wanna be a song singer.

When I grow up, I'll be myself. I'll break the spell. I'll be myself.

When I grow up, I wanna be a truth-slinger.

When I grow up, I'll be myself. I'll break the spell. I'll be myself.

When I grow up, I wanna be a humdinger.

When I grow up, I'll be myself. I'll break the spell. I'll be myself.

This is the song I would have written as a kid, if I had known what I know now. I wasn’t ready to know it then. Now, at 42, I am ready.

When my parents got me my first electric guitar and guitar lessons, at 15 years old, back in Brooklyn, it hadn’t even occurred to me that I could write songs, let alone sing them. I deeply wanted to sing, but I did not know I had a voice. I felt cut off from that ability. There weren’t a lot of rock-n-roll female role models or encouragement for that kind of expression, the few that were, I clung to: Joan Jett, The GoGo’s. But they seemed miles away from what I could possibly do. Within less than a year, I stopped playing guitar, and just continued to be a rock-n-roll fan. Over the years, I increased and expanded my fandom to include more expressive and alternative examples of what you could do with rock-n-roll. At 15, never would I have imagined that fourteen years later, at age 29, I would return to the same music conservatory I had studied piano at as a little girl, and sign up for voice, guitar and music theory lessons. That I would buy myself a $75 guitar at a stoop sale, and instead of whiling away the evening watching syndicated sitcoms, I would start to write songs, that I could play and sing. After a few months, I magically ran into an old college friend who happened to work in the same building as me, who also happened to be learning drums. A month later, I met a bassist at a party, and suddenly we had formed an all woman rock band. We called ourselves Social Service. We were all working in the social services at the time. We all still are. We had only one gig—at Meow Mix, a Lesbian bar in the Lower East Side of Manhattan. That was 12 years ago.

This show tonight is a sampling of songs that I wrote about the process of discovering one’s soul. Some songs are about the struggles of feeling disempowered, and lost, and some songs are about the joy and love and power of self-discovery. Most are about both. I have found that rock-n-roll is an expression that suits me, as it is about rebellion and carving out one's place in the world that didn’t exist before. True rockers are pioneers—wrestling with opposites: masculine and feminine, love and power, despair and celebration, creating space in the world with force, with a sound that is at once familiar and brand new. Rock-n-roll may not be for everyone, but it’s most definitely for me. Art, in all its forms, has always been about creating a context for myself so I can let myself be free. So I can let all my selves be free: man, woman and child. Everyone of us has many selves within. This is what I teach in my classes. This is what I express in my songs.

I have learned that there is no short cut, or easy path to self-actualization. It requires honoring both darkness and light, blood, sweet and tears, thousands of hours of dedicated work and play, facing and accepting and even loving our fear and pettiness. It is not an easy path, but it is most definitely a path filled with meaning, joy and connection. Once you start on this path, there is no turning back. There are times I have wanted to give up, I have turned away from myself, hidden, felt deeply ashamed or afraid.  But there has always something that has kept me going, kept me in the game: it was the quiet but consistent voice of my soul looking out for me, reminding me over and over to return to music, despite my fears, knowing more than I know about the soul’s destiny. And so I have shown up here with you tonight, with all my selves, playing my songs that reflect the truths I have collected up until now. Some truths are deeply personal, some are universal. If you get half as much enjoyment out of listening as I have out of creating and playing these songs, then I think we will have a really great evening!

I also want to say that I am very honored that there are young people here tonight. It is deeply meaningful for me to nurture the creativity of their unique souls. As a young person myself, I felt very powerless in the world, and I retreated into my own inner world of creative expression. In this way, I kept my voice true, even if it was a secret. I longed to have another person see my yearning to perform, to encourage me, to guide me deeper into myself.  This year I have had so many incredible opportunities to do this for others, which brings me to our next song. It is with great pleasure to introduce the amazing, Maria Jose Favela, who played La Flor in El Principito en Baja—the play that opened the film festival last month. Working with Maria José has been greatly nurturing to my own soul.

My hope tonight is that I may inspire you and spark your unique inner fire, that secret thing that you need to be, but can’t fully allow, or to have the courage to look honestly within, making space for and having compassion for your shadow selves, your struggles and fears as well as your love and power.

Remember: you are never too young, or too old, to be who you are already are.

Better on the outside than on the inside

When we first arrived in Baja, and I was pregnant and we were camping on our land in Elias Calles, I wasn’t legal to work yet, but I needed to do something to occupy my time, to meet people, be of service, and to have a creative outlet. I decided to volunteer for the women’s organization, Manos Magicas. It’s a small group of women (Mexican, American & French) who met (and still meet) weekly in Todos Santos dedicated to helping women learn skills using their hands: sewing, knitting, making for the purpose of learning, community building and financial independence. The same day I showed up to volunteer, Marcela, and her boyfriend Sigfrido, showed up for the first time too. They were young, younger than me, and scrappy, scrappier than me. They were also from the big city, living on their raw piece of land, camping or more like squatting in their quarter-built house. It was a relief to make some young friends, who were Mexican, who spoke perfect English. We spent all our time together our first summer in Baja, and Marcela taught me many things in Spanish. One of my favorites was an expression in Spanish, that I immediately forgot, but adopted into my own vernacular in English, which translated to: better on the outside than the outside. She said this to me every time I burped, which was often, as I had an addiction to bubbly water and coke. Coca Cola that is. Mexican Coca Cola, which is holier than American coke because it has real sugar rather than high fructose corn syrup. A friend told me that Mexican coke is a high value item in the US now for $3 a bottle. But I digress.

The point is that Marcela introduced me to this expression as a way to make me feel better about my burping. And you know what? It worked. Because of her phrase, burping, or even farting, felt more like a celebration than something I should cover up or apologize for. After all, it’s better on the outside than on the inside. It also became a joke between us—the more pregnant I got, the more I felt that this phrase applied to me, not just about gas, but about the baby. I really wanted him out.

At first, I had wanted the birth to be 100% natural,  hippie style. I interviewed a midwife. I read books about how empowering an all natural pregnancy was. I drew drawings of my unborn baby. (There's another wonderful story here about the drawing I drew, but I'll save it for another time.) When I found out that the baby (now the force known as Emilio) had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck and that I would have to deliver him in a hospital, and that Lucas would not be allowed to accompany me in the delivery room, I opted for the cesarean section, which was what Doctor Ariola recommended. (Yes my OBGYN was named Ariola). I was devastated at first, I hadn’t imagined myself to be the kind of person that had a c-section, it just didn’t seem part of the narrative. But then again, no mother has the birth she imagines. It’s the first lesson of motherhood. Things not going according to plan. Eventually, I had come to accept the cesarean, as scared as I was. After all, no matter how it happens, better on the outside than the inside. That was what was most important.

The day Emilio arrived on this side of life, outside the womb that is, was not the happiest day of my life, as so many parents claim. The day after his birth was possibly the worst day of my life. (Also another story.) That doesn’t mean I didn’t love the little thing as he first nursed me, both of us having no idea of how it’s supposed to happen, just knowing that it is. The first time I heard his voice, as I lay drugged out on the operation table, I burst into tears. It was a loud sharp cry announcing his lungs to the world, to us, his parents. The sound of his voice was a great relief, and proof, undeniable proof, even more so than seeing him, or holding him, that he was alive, and here. That he is a whole person, separate and individual and able to make sound. Then Lucas showed him to me and I was surprised by the darkness of his hair, and the amount of it. He seemed small, but somehow powerful already. A force of nature. He was so so much better on the outside than on the inside.

It’s not that it was a difficult or painful pregnancy. Things went smoothly mostly—at least his part did. He grew, and grew. And I grew and grew along with him. There was not a lot of pain and only a small amount of discomfort, which mostly resulted in the fact that we were living outside, in the desert sun, and I was hotter than normal, and could never seem to find enough shade or coolness to feel comfortable, until night time, which was when I retired, at 9 PM, to the tent, ready for profound rest. Mostly, I took long walks on the beach, alone, or with Lucas, looking for shells and rocks to add to our collection. I was somehow able to stay very present, not thinking too far in the future—how are we going to raise this child? What kind of education is he going to have? Those thoughts, the thoughts that most of my friends and family asked, did not even occur to me at all. I knew instinctively that all my energy needed to go into growing this being and putting all my creativity into that, not through drawing or writing or singing, the way I was used to doing, but just through being. Through soaking in the fresh ions from the ocean waves and the moments of pleasure when I could enjoy food. My pregnancy experience was unconventional, to say the least, and not even in line with the kind of person I had been before. I wasn’t much of a camper, or a nature girl. I had always loved nature, and had enjoyed camping the few times I had done it. But, camping was more like a background to some other kind of art project or experience. I didn’t have a very direct relationship to nature. Every plant I had ever owned had died. The first time I went camping with Lucas, I referred to the forest as “in here” as in “hey it’s getting dark in here as the day faded into night.” I admit I said it partly in jest, to play up the Brooklyn part of me, the part of me that is, as Woody Allen used to say, at two with nature. But the larger and deeper truth is that I am a hippie deep inside. I have never worn patchouli oil, and I do not have long stringy hair. I never really dug the grateful dead (though some of their songs are pretty catchy, I admit), and I never call people “man” or use the word “groovy.” But inside, I am about as hippie as you get. I believe in peace and love truly and madly. I believe almost everyone is too uptight, or at least spend some more time in nature contemplating the sky. I often feel I wasn’t really made for the world that I became myself in—I feel far too large, and strange and messy and indefinable.

Now, six years later, the term better on the outside than on the inside can refer to just about everything that’s important to me. It has become a central theme of my work. What is inside? Or rather, what do we keep inside? What do we not show? This is what I am most interested in. Sometimes it’s just trapped gas, or a baby that isn’t ready to be be born, but other times its the fear that is just beyond the reach of our awareness, or the really rough novel we’re writing in secret, or the dream we dare not share in case someone else laughs or judges us, or the tear just under the surface of the duct, that would prove our fallibility if were to appear in the corner of our eye.

Yes. I say, better on the outside than on the inside lest that feeling, or thought, or work of art stays stagnant and unfelt, unimagined, unlived. We are lucky to be born into this world, and if we are alive, then we are meant to live. We can barely live if we cannot let what is inside, out. I know this from experience. I have had times in my life where I did not want to live because I could not transmit my inner world. The loneliness of being shut out from our very own liveliness is heartbreaking and often, dangerous. I believe our humanity is at stake when it comes to whether or not we can forge through our fear and risk emotional, mental and artistic expression.

I say, yes, always yes, it is better on the outside than on the inside.

Marcela, if you are reading this, please do send me the Spanish version of that saying.

Our land when we first arrived on it. Our French friends helped us clear the land to make space for our camp.

Marcela & Sigfrido at their home. We called them Sigcela.

7.5 months pregnant at Cerritos Beach.

Showing off our solar panel at our camp.

Learning how to make rugs from fabric scraps at Manos Magicas.

Two months after Emilio was born.

El Principito En Baja: Behind The Scenes and on The Stage

On Wednesday, March 16th,  the premier of El Principito en Baja was performed at the historic Teatro de Márquez de León Theater in Todos Santos. The play was an adaptation of Antoine de Saint-Exupéry’s classic book, The Little Prince, re-written for the stage by David Liles and Sylvia Perel, Founder and Director of the Festival de Cine Todos Santos, with some additions and re-imaginings to include the local context of Todos Santos, Baja California Sur, which is under environmental threat by goldmining industry. There were two performances--the morning matinee which was viewed by over 200 schoolchildren, (including the Elias Calles school where my son attends) and the evening, which kicked off the 13th annual Festival de Cine Todos Santos - La Paz, raised money for the Jóvenes en Video program, a program of the ten year running Leonardo Perel Film School, (founded by Sylvia Perel's late husband) and the only film school in Baja California Sur. The second performance was attended by a highly enthusiastic audience, which included Mexican actor, director and producer, Diego Luna.

Work on the play started in the summer of 2015, as part of a series of free summer workshops that involved more than 60 local kids learning film-making, animation and acting. 5 of those kids Esli, 18, (EL PILOTO), Lucas, 8 (EL PRINCIPITO) , Emilia, 10 (EL MANANTIAL y LA CASCABEL), Maria José, 13 (LA FLOR y EL DRAGON) and Hannah, 12 (EL EMPRESARIO y EL COYOTE) were cast for the main characters and rehearsed for eight months. The cast was later joined by three wonderful girls: Lía, (FLOR) Fernanda, (FLOR) y Susje (FLOR). Starting with the YOUTH EN VIDEO workshops, the kids created masks, characters, memorized lines, stage directions, learned songs and even some dancing. The youth from JOVENES EN VIDEO (Dora, Frida, Juan, Raquel taught by Prof. Mike Henaine) captured this creative process in their documentary, Detrás de las Escenas del Principito en Baja (Behind The Scenes of the Little Prince en Baja), which will be screened at 3 PM on Monday, March 21st at Teatro Manuel Márquez de León. Admission is Free. The JÓVENES EN VIDEO also created the charming animated videos and stunning footage capturing the natural beauty of Baja that were projected on the LED screen behind the actors to add scenery and meaning to this beautiful multimedia theatrical production, whose theme was protecting the natural beauty of Baja.

Last July, Sylvia Perel asked me to help her with the production, which was originally supposed to be performed in October. At that time, I was helping as creative consultant, and attending some of the rehearsals, not really sure the best way to help. I tried to pull in more actors, and brough in some visual ideas, but my real role did not start until November, when Sylvia told me that La Flor was supposed to sing a song. I told her I was a songwriter, and that I would write one. That night I poured over the script in Spanish, and the original book and wrote my first song en Español. I had some help with the Spanish from Sylvia Perel and Silvia Padilla, (my Spanish teacher and English student, and my neighbor and friend.) And Por Ti (La Canción de la Flor) was born! There was this extra part at the end, that I couldn't figure out how to connect to the rest of the song. It just didn't fit.  After a few weeks of trying to make it work, I suddenly realized the ending to that song was really its own song, and that it could be the finale of the play!  A few weeks later, Sylvia told me they needed additional music and sound to enhance and tie in the performances. I immediately agreed, and that was how I became the Musical Director of the play. I am immensely proud and happy to have had the opportunity to collaborate with and meet so many creative local talents and to have been involved in such a heartfelt, and beautiful production with such an important message. Wednesday's performance, and all the hours of work that led up to it, was truly a creative highlight of my life. I hope that I will collaborate with the JÓVENES EN VIDEO in the future--I already have several ideas for projects in mind. This production was a great opportunity for me to practice teaching in Spanish, and my goal is to collaborate more with children in BCS gives me more motivation to improve my Spanish.

Here is the recording of Por Ti that I made, which was featured in the play. I hope Maria José, the girl who played the flower and who sang the song, will join me on April 14th to sing it with me at my next gig in at La Esquina. I plan to do another recording of the song, with all the verses and both of our voices.

Here is the complete list of cast and crew:

Dirección/Producción Sylvia Perel

Guión /Script Sylvia Perel & David Liles

Producción Ejecutiva. Patricia Fernández Millán

Dirección de Actores/ Acting Teacher Prof. Guillermina Sainz

Producción Técnica/ Tech Production Rogelio Muñoz Camacho

Escenografía/Set Designing Wesley Horn

Vestuario/Costumes Clara Gaucín

Música/Music Zoë Dearborn

Iluminación/Lighting design Franciso Zuñiga

Objetos /Props Salvador Cadena (Chava)

Actores/Actors Esli Mejía, Lucas Cano Sanchez , Emilia Cano Sanchez, Maria José Favela, Rosita Orozco, Lía Romero, Fernanda Murillo. Susje Torres.

Producción Visual : Jóvenes en Video, Prof. Mike Henaine, Dora Juliana Martinez, Frida Cota, Juan Manuel Agúndez, Raquel León Gonzalez

Logística/Logistic Angie Ontiveros

Efectos digitales, mapping e instalación: MUV Marco Gaviño, Rolando González e Iván Rodríguez.

For more information, check the Festival de Cine Website.

Here is the recording of Por Ti that I made, which was featured in the play. I hope Maria José, the girl who played the flower and who sang the song, will join me on April 14th to sing it with me at my next gig in at La Esquina. I plan to do another recording of the song, with all the verses and both of our voices.

Last night was like coming out.

Photo credit: Barney Edmonds, (my dad)

Last night, at La Esquina, I sang & played 19 of my original songs and 2 Bob Dylan covers, in two sets. The first set with an acoustic guitar (plugged in) and the second with an electric guitar (really plugged in.) With his hands, Lucas played the bass, and with his foot, played the bass drum. Or in the second set, he played the drums with his right hand, and bass lines on the synthesizer with his left hand. 2 for 4. Dos por Cuatro. Four instruments for two people.  If you count voice as an instrument.

I invited everyone I could think of that might be interested, and I performed with everything I had. I felt excited, shiny, vulnerable, raw, nervous & ready all at once. I still haven't fully processed all of what happened last night. But for now, I want to share with you my first feelings and thoughts.

Most of all, from the bottom of my heart, I really want to thank all of you who were there to witness and to be entertained. It truly means everything to me that you were there. After all, what's the point of being a performer if you don't have an audience? What's the point of being a songwriter if no one hears your songs?  Those of you who read my blog or know me personally know how much I believe in the encouragement of creativity & truthful expression, in fact, it's what I pretty much live for. I do what I can to encourage people to live out their dreams, to keep making their art, no matter what kind of self doubt they have. I do this for you, and I also do this for me. I need to dare myself to live out loud, risking ego, in order to fulfill my soul’s code. It is never easy to come out of hiding and share yourself. I do it, not because it always feels good, or because I am confident, I do it because there is something in me that tells me that this is my destiny. It doesn't always make sense. But the songs keep coming and the need to sing never goes away.

It's hard especially, for a girl, or woman, to hold your own value enough to say, "Hey, I have something to say, and I would like to be heard." This is something I have struggled with my whole life, as so many of us have. It takes tremendous courage to show up for yourself, and then ask people to witness you. I hope that this act of being and living out my rock-n-roll self, will inspire others to to take similar kinds of risks. After all, hiding, while sometimes necessary, can become a destructive habit for oneself and the world. The world needs to hear all the true voices.

I am often inspired by this line in the introduction of Lena Dunham's book of personal essays, Not That Kind of Girl: "There is nothing gutsier to me than a person announcing that their story is one that deserves to be told, especially if that person happens to be a woman.”

Here is an excerpt from a response I wrote to an email I received from a friend/singer who came to the show:

"Last night was the culmination of MANY years of work. 2 years (since I started my daily practice of singing & playing.) 12 years (since I first started writing songs). 27 years since I first picked up an electric guitar. 42 years (since I dreamed of singing and performing). It feels good (and vulnerable) to finally unleash all this musical stuff that I have been dreaming of, working on, and creating.

I eventually want to integrate these songs into a live act of storytelling that also explains my journey of empowerment, from being a shy & quiet "good girl" to living my dreams out loud as a woman.

Thank you for witnessing. I am honored."

I will end with some excerpt of lyrics that were sung in the two sets. Each of the 21 songs represented.

Wolf Spider
you’re draggin' the dragonfly down.

Don’t let the bastards get you down,
you are a verb, and not a noun.

the vagabond that’s wrapping at your door
is standing in the clothes that you once wore.

i know now there’s only one sin
don’t you know honey, it’s the split within?

When I grow up
I wanna be a song-singer.

i’m yours for the taking
for mending, stealing, baking.

I know I’m no longer a kid
and I can’t pretend
to be immortal.
I can’t pretend
not to care.
I can’t pretend to be free
anymore.

There ‘aint no hiding in the moonlight
there’s no fooling the stars.

when you see this from above
the parts are fingers of one glove

The city lights go down
I can see you all around

no sabía quien era
quien era hasta que te vi,

no sabía queera
una flor hasta que florecí     

electric set

How does it feel? To be on your own?
With no direction home?
Like a complete unknown?
Like a rolling stone.

you’re a lucky guy
cuz you get to hang with me
all the time!

I’m so dutiful
it makes me want to fall.
restless big & small.

i can’t feel me in you
i need a point of view

electric morning
no acoustic
no separate fingers!

oh, i got caught up in sunshine today!

I took photographs today
in my close up way
to make the pain okay

the state i’m in
I feel nervous and brave and exposed

She’s a rock-n-roll thing.

She knows how to do her thing.

when i’m thinking of you
will we be two?

Stay tuned for practice recordings and home studio recordings—I am going to be continuing to share the process & products of recording my songs.

Photo credit: Julie Edmonds (my mom)

Photo by Barney Edmonds

Photo by Julie Edmonds

Photo by Barney Edmonds

Photo by Julie Edmonds

We will be doing the show all over again on April 14th--hopefully with some new songs!

State I'm In

“There’s enough songs for people to listen to, if they want to listen to songs. For every man, woman and child on earth, they could be sent, probably, each of them, a hundred songs, and never be repeated. There’s enough songs.... Unless someone’s gonna come along with a pure heart and has something to say. That’s a different story. - Bob Dylan”

Recently I decided that it was time for me to transition from being a closet (or living room) musician to one that shared my music with others. In other words, I am ready to let myself be heard.

I know that this process will be difficult--and it will naturally bring up shame and fear. I will expose myself to more criticism, more opportunities that will make me want to talk myself out of being a musician in the first place. I know I will feel vulnerable, raw, uncertain. I know there will be a lot of people out there who do not necessarily "get" or like my songs, our sound, or my voice. I know also, that people mostly will not care or pay attention anyway. Who cares if yet another person out there puts their music out there? This idea is both comforting and disheartening. After all, as Bob Dylan said, "The world don’t need any more songs… As a matter of fact, if nobody wrote any songs from this day on, the world ain’t gonna suffer for it. Nobody cares. There’s enough songs for people to listen to, if they want to listen to songs. For every man, woman and child on earth, they could be sent, probably, each of them, a hundred songs, and never be repeated. There’s enough songs." And maybe he's right, maybe the world doesn't need any more songs. Maybe. But I do. I need more songs. Not only do I need to write them, but I need to hear them. Songs for me are like moments of emotional contact with the universal human experience. We have infinite experiences in a lifetime, and we need an infinite amount of songs to capture the ineffable. Even though Bob Dylan is one of my heroes, I have to disagree with him here. The world does need songs because I need them, and I am of this world. But then Bob Dylan goes on to say (this quote is taken from the book of interviews called Songwriters on Songwriting) "...Unless someone’s gonna come along with a pure heart and has something to say. That’s a different story".

I am now going to share with you some of the best advice I have received about the process of making music.  These words return to me over and over and use them to get me through the inevitable vulnerability that comes from being an artist of any kind, but a performer in particular.

1) Always sing from your heart, if you sing from your heart, you will always sound good. - Lynn Wedekind, composer, singer, sound healer

2) The process of creating music is channeling. It's not up to you to choose your songs, it comes through you. It's not up to you to judge whether or not it is good. It is up to you to just get it down and then out. - I am not sure where this advice came from. Perhaps from my higher self, or perhaps out of conversations I have had with my friend, collaborator & colleague Holly Mae Haddock.

3) Don't focus on the material, or the audience, just focus on the music and the performance of the music. -- Lucas, my husband.

That being said, I thought I'd share a practice recording that Lucas and I made a few months ago. It's a song that has remained unfinished, for a reason. It's raw, and a lot of is improvised, but I think it captures something about our sound and my mission with music, which is to share an honest expression of the complexity of who I am, and to have a fucking good time while I do it. In a lot of my songs, and other artwork, I try to capture opposites--holding a space in the middle of both negative and positive emotions. There's something about rock-n-roll, especially because I'm a woman and didn't have a lot of female mentors in this arena, that helps me connect with androgyny. The overlapping of the feminine and masculine. I believe this is the secret to all the best rock-n-roll.

Time to Rock!

These photos were taken when I was pregnant with Mio, seven years ago, six months after we moved to Baja. We were camping out in Elias Calles, and one day we got a little dolled up and drove into Todos Santos to watch the Oscars at Buena Vida (my favorite pizza place that is now closed.) I put my camera on the dashboard for this series. We will be making this same drive in a few weeks to perform our first gig at La Esquina, my favorite venue! This is a moment I have been dreaming about for a long time.

Lucas will be playing drums and keyboard and bass. Yes--he will be playing more than one instrument at a time. And I will be singing and playing guitar. Maybe a little dancing.

Inspired by Bob Dylan at the Newport Folk Festival, we will be playing two sets--a folk set and then a rock-n-roll set. Each set contains my original songs written over the last ten years and one Bob Dylan cover. When Dylan went electric and got booed by his folk fans--he kept playing because he did what he had to do. He wanted to plug in. That moment continues to be so inspiring to me. Plugging in my guitar is so empowering. I even wrote a song about it. It's called Dangerous Instrument and I will playing it on Thursday, February 25th at La Esquina, in the second set, of course.

Long live Rock-n-roll!