Zippered Self

ZOELAB DAY 356

Date of Original Post:  August 22, 2013

To return is to begin again.

Sorting out the selves, 

In holdable piles.

I try them all on at once.

They fit, sort of.

But then again, it’s too many selves to know.

Removing them, I start from scratch.

This is the place to begin again.

In between two worlds.

The large culture and the small.

Both, with their imposing language of distraction,

knock me down.

But there is more than that,

there is this thing I am doing, 

something radical and secret and quiet

something so very mine,

that I dare not say it.

Identity is a flimsy and beautiful thing.

It is a symbol suit to wear for others.

I try it on and zip it up.

Not ready yet for meaning,

I lie down, 

ready to receive the rain.

After all, I have a body that speaks to me

inside

with messages that reach beyond cultures.

The body knows more than the

flimsy zippered self.

Dia De Muertos, A Magical Day of Creativity & Community in Todos Santos

Thursday, November 2nd, A Day in Our Life

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7 AM - Wake up in panic. We need to put together a Dia de Muertos costume for Emilio’s costume contest and school

7:15 AM - Drinking coffee, because nothing happens until I drink my coffee

7:20 AM - Looking for and finding old face paint in my camper/studio that I haven’t used or cleaned in two years

7:25 AM - Looking through my collection of costumes, finding an old hat of mine, and fishing out Emilio’s hole-filled pants from the hamper

7:45 AM - Applying make up to Emilio’s Face feeling rushed, stressed and inadequate as mother

8:15 AM - Drop Emilio and his friends at school

9:30 AM - Look desperately through the mess in my house to find my painting pants, paint brushes (which I haven’t used in many years) and pallet

10:30 AM - Show up at the wall at the Cultural Center in Todos Santos, find my spot and start painting my skull

3:30 PM - Emilio comes to help me paint. I find out he won first prize at the costume contest at school

5:30 PM - Finish up my skull and go to Hotel Casa Tota to be fed and quenched. Sit with old and new friends and celebrate

7:00 PM - Head to the Town Plaza to see the beautiful ofrenda, Emilio, friends and other offerings

8:00 PM - JJ does a puppet show and dance party for los niños. All the kids get up on stage and dance with him

8:30 PM - I am unexpectedly invited to dance along with the Mojiganga giant puppet show that Emilio has been helping to paint on for weeks with Maria at Puente de Milagros

8:30 - Fretting I am wearing nothing but my dirty painting clothes, and therefore am not prepared to perform on stage, I go to get my face painted as a clown skull in two minutes by the lovely Zephyr at the Puente de Milagros booth

8:40 PM: I am suddenly on stage with Maria, Emilio, Ashta, a group of adorable children of all ages and from all places, and am helping to lead the children in an improvised dance that supports the energy of each Mojiganga— Earth, Fire, Wind & Water. JJ is playing bass, electronic beats and another woman is singing a haunting melody.  I am dancing and my body is aching from painting all day, but I still release the energy needed. We are joined by a team of drummers, including Kurtis & my mother in law Ruth

9:20 PM: Done with the performance, all of us exhausted, Lucas Emilio and I head to the ice-cream parlor for a treat

Chaos & Connection

ZOELAB DAY 154

Original Date of Post: February 4, 2013

Chaos & Connection

Inside

I’m opening up the circles of molecules--

letting the atoms fly out to become their destiny

trust comes later

after surrender 

how could you let go 

unless your heart knew there was something out there to catch you?

Spinning out into the stars--

at one with the mystery.

But I return for the heart that I left behind--

after a hazardous journey home

I find that all our hearts are there

where we left them

scattered over the sick earth

I dreamt of this as a child: 

tidal waves

falling down above the stairs

count dracula

but I daydreamt of this:

forced, because of circumstances,

to have all our hearts linked--

harmony and kindness

I still love it here--

I want bees to make honey

and parachuters to land

and oceans to wave

and frogs to croak

and hearts to rise

together

connected

together

connected

letting what it is

be 

what it is

Start From Where You Are, One Size All Advice For Creativity + Life

 

Dear Creative Crusader,

I’ve been thinking about creative blocks lately. It’s the theme for the second week for my online creativity intensive. 

Over the years, I’ve experienced and worked through a lot of blocks to my creativity and I’ve helped a lot of other people with theirs. I’ve used my creativity, my expressive arts therapy training and techniques from my study of the arts to work through these blocks.

There are so many kinds of blocks, and so many creative ways we can work through or with our blocks. We can work through them on the mental level—questioning our beliefs. We can work through them on the physical level—relaxing the body, deep breathing. We can work through them on the emotional level—acting as compassionate witness to our inner resistances, like fear. We can work through them on the spiritual level—opening up the channel of our creativity to a higher source, and relinquishing the smaller self. 

I have tried all of these, and they have all have worked for me depending on what the particular block is, and my current relationship to it.

But, there’s one method of unblocking that I have found that never fails and is applicable to all situations. It doesn’t require any special equipment or knowledge. You don’t need to spend a lot of time with it. And it is always available. 

START FROM WHERE YOU ARE

That’s it. It’s really that simple.

What does it mean?

It means checking in with yourself and asking yourself honestly, in this moment, what do I feel? What do I want? 

And if the answer is: I’m blocked.

Then what do you do? You start from that place.

You create from that place. You feel into the block. You get curious about the block. You use your imagination to imagine the size, the shape, the color, the weight of the block. You draw the block. You dance the block. You speak to the block. You describe the block with your words. 

And then something is starting to happen. It may be a very small something. It may feel insignificant. But, I can tell you, it’s not. It’s very, very important. Because you it's a way of seeing that your creativity is always there, it’s just that you have not been able to see it. You can't use it if you don't acknowledge it. Acknowledging what is happening in the moment is the first spark of your creativity. 

Still feel a wall between you and your creativity?

Draw the wall. Mime your hands up the wall. Write an ode to the wall. What does it feel like to touch? How has the wall served you? 

You may soon be laughing. Or if not, you are at least creating something.

Go ahead, and laugh. Keep laughing. And then get curious about what happens next…
 

There is only one thing I can teach.

I teach people how to look within to access the resources they already have. 

The resources are:
 

creativity

curiosity

compassion

consciousness

We all have those resources and they are endlessly renewable and free. We don’t need a new app or an upgrade or a class. We just need to learn how to look.

There is another phrase I am fond of saying:
 

THAT WHICH HINDERS YOUR TASK IS YOUR TASK

It’s a different way of saying the same thing.

This phrase comes from Sanford Meisner, the great acting teacher. For two years, I trained in his methodology, not under him, but with two teachers who had trained with him. My teacher posted this phrase in large letters on the wall of our acting studio. It summed up everything we needed to know about Meisner's method.

The technique Meisner developed was called the repetition technique. The basic idea is to have two actors sit on the stage, in chairs, facing each other. The actors take turns making simple observations about each other. "You're smiling." The other actor repeats the statement, "Yes, I'm smiling." The repetition goes back and forth until the statement no longer feels true, or until one of the actors notices something new that is happening either in herself or in the other.

The technique is about staying connected to the emotional truth of the moment, and riding those emotions as they change. Many years later, I trained for 3 years to become an expressive arts therapist. I consider my earlier Meisner training an invaluable part of my training as a therapist. And it was essentially the same thing—a training in emotional presence. In connecting with the truth of the moment, and allowing oneself to let go of the former moment in favor of what’s happening right now. 

A photo from my Meisner acting class with Joe Anania, in the late 1990's

You don’t need to train in the Meisner technique or as an expressive arts therapist, to make use of this concept. All you need to do is drop in, at any moment, to the truth of your experience. That is where your real and authentic self is. Your self is not a thing, but a process. You are not a noun, you are a verb. 

I think it is safe for you to try this at home. 

Get comfortable in your chair. Close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths and check in with yourself: What do I feel right now? What am I aware of? Whatever first hit you get— a pain in your shoulder, a fluttering in your chest, an image of a blank page. Create something out of it. Let the dots connect from one moment to the next. If you get frustrated because your cousin drops in unexpectedly as you are creating, then, b all means, invite your cousin into what you are doing.

That which hinders your task is your task.

Love & Creativity,

Zoë

Why I Heart Art Journaling

Dear Creative Crusader,

I want to share with you why I believe in art journaling, and why I started teaching Art Journal Lab (nearly) five years ago. 

The term “Art Journaling” means different things to different people. I've seen a lot on the internet about art journaling. It's a “hot” thing right now. Even the self-professed "non-creative" Brené Brown has added it to her roster of offerings. Often, when I look into other peoples’ versions of art journaling, the focus is different than mine, which is more on technique, ways of creating pages that highlight pithy sayings or sparks of deep truth. 

For me, art journaling is about many things, but it is mostly about the experience. It’s a form of meditation (and in my class includes meditation as the starting off point). It’s about creating a space, a private space. A safe space. A free space. A space where there are absolutely no rules, the critic is not invited, and neither is your dog, your husband, your wife, or your kid. (Well, I have to admit  I do sometimes invite my kid to draw in my journal and my dog has been known to make a cameo appearance.)
 

But really... It’s a space FOR YOU.

In the fast-paced, space-crunched, tech-laden, urban world of today, there isn’t a lot of space left just for you. You may not live out in the desert or the country, like I do, where there’s lots of space. Not everyone is necessarily blessed with a room of one's own. But a journal, which is inexpensive and can be carried anywhere, is your turtle shell. It’s your mobile home that reflects your heart, mind, body & soul. A traveling holistic mirror. A moveable space where you get to develop your point of view, your world, your visions. It’s a space for lovingly holding your wounds, dreams & questions. And for artists of all kinds, its an invaluable tool.

When I look at culture, I feel concerned for us, as humans. I feel our humanity getting squeezed out and I seriously want to protect it. I worry that we have less and less time for ourselves to wander, wonder, fall apart, feel, experiment, play, dream, not to mention, create. I worry that we don’t give ourselves adequate time to heal our wounds, nurture our souls, question our lives, develop our ideas. I believe these kinds of right brained/feminine/yin experiences are important because with out them, we aren't whole, and we live like robot slaves--unintentionally reflecting the conventions of our externally focused culture.

Our culture has not valued this side of life for a long time. The tender, invisible, intangible side. We dismissively call it “fluff,” unnecessary or silly. This rejection is another form of internalized sexism. This is our culture’s rejection of the feminine principle: feeling, emotion, intuition, creativity, imagination, receptivity, compassion--it's a giant wound for all of us. Not just women. Even though women make up over 90% of my subscribers, clients and students, I always keep the door open for men and boys, just in case, because they need this just as much as women do. Maybe even more.

This is the reason I do what I do. To create a safe & fun space for people to enter into, so they can unpack their whole being and experience the beauty of all of their selves, including shadow parts, wounds, dreams & celebrations. This is what happens in Dance Lab, Art Journal Lab, in my private sessions, my online courses, events & my future retreats. Heck, it's even what most of my poetry and songwriting is about.

And that is what the journal is for. It's your safe space where you get to move according to your own rhythms, with no rules, apologizing or holding back.

For me, art journaling has so many facets & possibilities, too many for one blog post, but simply put: it is a process of capturing our life experience using both hemispheres of the brain—left processing (linear, rational, verbal, active) and right processing (non-linear, emotional, image-based, receptive). It’s about balancing both sides of our experience and honoring that both aspects are needed in order to be, and feel whole. I don’t believe I’ll ever tire of talking about this, and emphasizing its importance. 

Of the people who have attended art journal lab over the years, some are trained, self-identified artists or writers, but many are not. Some are highly comfortable with words, but are self-effacing about their drawing abilities. Some are just the opposite.

In the world of art journaling (and all of the art therapies), skill is not the point. Of course it is lovely to have skills, and to develop our skills. And I, for one, am madly in love with learning. (Skill building is a module in my 31 day intensive). But, in the context of art journaling, what’s important is that we do it, no matter how we feel about our skills. We draw, we try our hand at imagining, we experiment, we explore, we play. That is the point. The process is the point of it. The doing of it increases our creativity, enhances our ability to see, to understand the world through our own eyes.

We are linking the two sides of our brain, just by trying. Just by creating both words and images. Even if we feel we have failed to capture the thing we are trying to capture, we still have succeeded because we brought ourselves into deeper balance and we have paid attention. Just as with meditation--even if we were mostly in our monkey-mind, even if all we experienced was a mere sliver of respite, the fact that we observed our mind at all, that we practiced observation--made the whole effort (or non-effort) worthwhile. 

Whether you think of yourself as an artist or not, I believe we are all artists. We all can be artists, if that is what we choose to be. We all are creative and we all can increase our creativity through practice. Creativity is good for us. There is no doubt about it. We need our creativity to evolve, to become more complex and also more refined. As individuals and as a collective. 

And so I believe in art journaling as an invaluable practice for self-proclaimed artists or for anyone to become more creative, connected, and whole.

Just for fun, and just for today, as it’s the first day of the 31 Day Intensive, I am going to share today’s prompt with all of you.

The word of the day is: curiosity

The prompt is:

Throughout your day, keep your inner eye open to the visual world around you. And pay attention to your curiosity. Which objects, people, spaces, animals, plants, food, gestures, colors delight your curiosity?  What do you want to investigate, discover?

Use a page in your journal to list those curiosities through out the day. You can list them in word form or in visual form, or both. Or you can photograph them, if that is your preference. And then at the end of the day, take a few from the list, and leading with your curiosity, research each “thing”. There are infinite ways of researching. 

Here are a few: 

• focused googling
• studying the thing with all five of your senses
• asking an expert
• using your imagination as the investigator into the spiritual significance or history of that curious "thing"

Enjoy and let me know how it goes!

If you are interested in art journaling, I will be hosting another Art Journaling/Blogging Challenge in January 2018 and you can also join my Art Journal Lab Facebook group. 

Love & Creativity,

Zoë

Breaking The Rules + The Routine

I am a daily practice pusher. A creative crusader, challenger.

But... sometimes you need to break from the routine. Sometimes you need to break the rules and play hooky from your daily practices. Sometimes you need to “be bad” in order to find out the edges of your personality. Sometimes you have to try something different or just take the day off. 

Today has been that kind of day.

Instead of meditating, taking my mountain walk, writing and eating papaya (including the seeds). Instead of sticking to my no-wheat, no sugar, no red meat, (mostly) no dairy diet, I drove to Cabo and went to my favorite bakery to eat their chickpea pesto panini after six weeks with out bread. It was crunchy delicious. Then I wandered around the mall feeling like a tourist in a slick jungle.  When you live in the desert the mall feels you feel like a strange, dirty animal.

And then I decided it was time to change things up a bit with this Museletter. My original intention with this letter back in June was to motivate me to keep in touch with you and to hold myself accountable to communicate once a week. And when I first started, I wasn’t sure if I had anything to say, so I thought I could still stay in touch by sharing links to things to read, listen to and look at.

On the one hand, I have always loved the idea of being a tastemaker, a person who enthusiastically shares art forms that inspire me. I secretly believe I have excellent taste, and have worked for many years to cultivate my taste, so I thought why not? Why not me? I had once sent such a letter last year with links to the creative things my friends and family were doing. And I had so enjoyed it.

But now, I see how how that decision was fueled by an unconscious desire to hide my writing and hide from my writing. The links was my back up plan. I thought: "if I have nothing to say, I can just share some links." But I discovered, week after week, (it’s been 14 weeks to be exact) that I actually had a lot to say. And it seems that perhaps my readers are more interested in what I have been writing about more than what music I've been listening to (especially since I tend to hear about things a little later.)  

Also, I have been looking at the way I spend my time. Because I am a Mom and have so many projects I am currently working on, I realize that I need to be more efficient with how I choose to conduct these projects. I’ve spent many hours every week designing these emails. I realize it would be more efficient and more useful to put my recommendations on my blog with tags so that anyone can find them. My goal with my website has always been to make it a space for creative resources. The blog already is somewhat that way. But there is a lot more to add! 

From now on, I will still be sending you a weekly letter, with a few links at time, but not with the whole fancy sidebar thing. Eventually, these kinds of recommendations, things to read, listen to and look at, will make it up on the blog. If you have an opinion on this shift in format, I would love to hear it! 

Do hold yourself to rules or routines that sometimes need re-assessing or occasional breaking? Do you like to break your own rules just to know how it feels?

I would like to end this email with a poem I wrote last summer in response to my own assignment for the writing class I taught called breaking the rules. I wrote the poem on the back of a print out of an ee cummings poem. 

I said break the rules but what did I really mean?

Holding onto myself.

No more.

Being a good girl.

Fuck that.

Saying No

when I mean YESSSSSS inside.

Letting the exclamation points

pile up until they look like pick up sticks.

Letting the handwriting be as erratic as it needs to be.

Rhyming sometimes.

And then 

not.

Not practicing what I teach.

Like honesty, badness, goodness and not holding back.

Here’s another way we can do it.

Write on top of the holy words

of your favorite poet.

Get odd when it’s time to play doubles.

Brag about your high score and don't let someone shame your points.

Don't forget to be a social climber,

and a bad one too,

who drinks too much and doesn’t introduce herself.

This can be about anything

as long as you don’t follow my instructions.

Get wise when you feel the boldness coming.
Etch it out in clear plastic,

ink it out,

your story 

that used to rhyme.

Forgive your sentences for being sincere and seductive.

Forgive your boss for laying you off.

Don’t tell her off.

Tell her on—thank her

for pushing you towards destiny.

She might thank you some day too.

For igniting her last moment of history.

The rule breaking 

goes on and on.

Way beyond pen to paper. 

Pencil habits.

Backwards
Words back 

Back Woods

Dirt Circles

I know it’s okay to write beside you com ings.

Come in.

Into me. You 

taught me

how

to love the in-betweens

And the rules

 that are so beautiful 

when turned upside down.

That’s what we are doing with our pen hearts

our holdovers our chicken scratched fingers.

Don’t have the poem hate the poet

who wants to alter you and marry and divorce you

until you are no longer who you used to be.

Until you are wholefingers 

growing out 

of your childhood gloves. 

Those don’t fit me anymore, you say,

and I believe you.

I believe your worthiness.
Your soul rise.

I’m a late bloomer too.

Born in the 70’s.It took me a while to

shine my sun on.

It too me a while to 

Rise on.

It took me a while to hear the true story

that was covered in dust.

It took me a while to reach conclusions.

wisdomwaiting

wholehearing

death becoming

random showing

old gloating

rhythm floating

Georgian Poet + Storyteller 

approaching

just when you thought you knew how to teach 

unteaching.

Never. Never. Never.

Say Never.

Unless you believe death has a say

in how your soul speaks.

My first podcast and the question I most want to be asked

This morning I woke up feeling uninspired. I didn’t feel connected to my creative process or to any one else's. Thinking of today's Museletter, I asked myself: what can I share today?

I went on Twitter and saw a post that today is national women’s friendship day. Now I’m not a person who normally cares about national holidays, but I love to use a "national day" as a prompt, a jumping off point for ideas. Womens' friendship felt like a great theme, so I reached out on Facebook to ask my friends if anyone had something they wanted me to feature in the Museletter. I didn't get any bites, but then I just thought about all my creative and amazing friends and it was easy to think of inspiring things to share.

Then I remembered that my first podcast interview is going live tomorrow and that I could share that. And then a theme emerged, not just of my friends' creativity, which is something I often feature, but also the theme of interviewing organically emerged. I felt a driving sense of synchronicity as the ideas flowed.

I am an avid listener of Fresh Air with Terry Gross, and have always secretly dreamed of being interviewed myself. My wish came true last week, when I shared my story with Meg Kissack for her podcast, The Couragemakers. 

To continue with this theme of friendship and interviews, I’ve decided also, to interview myself. I think it's on theme, as I've also recently decided to be a good friend to myself. Over the years, I have used EFT, meditations, therapy, art, physical self care, asking for help all as methods to love myself back into healthy self esteem. Just as creativity and art-making is highly important to me, so is self-love. It’s one of those things that just slips out the door first when we feel threatened or insecure.

So with out further ado, here is my self-interview:


Q: What are some questions you are dying to be asked, Zoë?

A: I want you to ask me how I learned to sing.

Q: Okay, how did you learn how to sing?

A: Well it took me about thirty years or so. And of course, I’m still learning. As a kid, I was ashamed of my voice and my singing, but I dreamed of being up on stage singing my heart out. It was just understood that I was one of those people who "couldn’t sing." However, there was a part of me, the gritty, optimistic part of me, that just couldn’t accept that. And that part of me believed that I could learn how to sing.

So I asked everyone I ever met who could sing if they could teach me. I asked friends, I hired professional teachers and coaches and even a voice therapist. I bought courses, downloaded audio books, and attended weekend workshops.

Each person and experience taught me something valuable. But as time passed, I saw that as helpful as the warm ups and the techniques were, what I really needed was to accept my voice as it was so that I could free it to be what it could become.

Accepting my voice was about working through shame and discomfort. It was about tapping into beginner’s mind and being willing to practice. A lot. I learned that through practice, I could learn how to learn. Learning to sing is about really slowing down and listening deeply to your voice as you sing. It’s about listening to recordings and identifying what you want to change. It’s about using your creativity to find ways to work with your natural limitations. It’s about feeling enough self love to keep trying even when it can be so difficult.

Q: Did you ever have a "breakthrough"?

A: One day, a few years ago, as I practiced singing through a microphone I started to open up the back of my throat much wider than I normally do.I started to see how singing (and all art) is about a balance between freedom and control. And I realized in that moment that I had spent so much effort trying to not sound bad, that I had actually kept myself from really singing out. I had restricted my voice so much that it came out thin and uncertain. As I opened up the channel of my throat and mouth, I opened up my sound too. It was a revelation. And I finally got that I had been not singing more than I had been actually singing. Holding back rather than letting out. And suddenly singing became so enjoyable, so expressive, so satisfying. And I actually liked what I heard. It was my breakthrough.

Q: How do you feel about your singing now?

A: My singing will never be "perfect."  There will probably always be a part of me that will hear my voice as not “good enough.” But, then I remember that that isn’t my goal as a musician or as an artist. In fact, if I am honest about the whole trajectory of my art career, I would say the underlying theme has always been about embracing imperfection and revealing what's normally hidden. It's about my love of working with mistakes, revealing the process, expressing with a touch of rawness. It is my aesthetic and ethical preference to be more of an outsider artist. I find honest human expression to be the most beautiful thing in the world. And in that, I embrace my voice for what is now, for what it’s become. It represents a journey of thousands of hours of training, failures & experiments. It holds conflicting emotions, different aged and gendered selves. My voice is whole.

Q: What did you ultimately learn from this journey of developing your voice?

A: I believe that my soul choose this life for me and in this life I was meant to struggle with my voice, and learn everything I need to know from overcoming my struggles, and pursuing my dreams and callings. I believe I was meant to be a voice to inspire others to dream and live according to their own soul’s path.

Q: Well Zoë, I’m afraid that’s all we have time for today. But maybe next week I will have more questions for you. Thank you.

A: No, really, thank you.

Interviewing yourself may seem strange or silly. But those of you who have taken Art Journal Lab with me or practice art therapy or art journaling, or who have signed up for my October Online Intensive will know that interviewing yourself, or parts of yourself is illuminating, fun & almost always surprising.

Love & Creativity,

Zoë

P.S. Are you interested in being interviewed? Here are two opportunities:

Written interview with me to be posted on my blog and conducted via email. Topics: creativity, spirituality, education, the arts, culture, psychology. Email me.

Be featured on a podcast! Submit for an interview with Introspectology.

Heart = Comedy + Drama

ZOELAB DAY 87

Date of Original Post: November 12, 2012

While in LA, Lucas and I had the delightful opportunity to go out to Thai food with a group of good friends and then to a movie. I can’t remember the last time I did that. Dinner and a movie with a group of good friends--what joy! My friends who work in the film and television industry suggested we see Silver Linings Playbook--since I am totally out of the loop, I had not heard of the film, but my friend told me it was directed by David O Russell, (director of Flirting with Disaster, Three Kings, I Heart Huckabees & The Fighter) so I knew it was going to be intense, funny, or zany. It turned out to be all three. 

I can’t remember the last time I saw a film that I adored. It was so funny, so full of heart, so sad and honest. Other films that come to mind that share some of its qualities (besides, of course, Russel’s other films) are Punch Drunk Love (in my opinion the only film by Paul Thomas Anderson that had heart)--another unlikely love story about two characters who experience a lot of pain, and therefore don’t fit so well into normal life, and Secrets and Lies (directed by the British filmmaker Mike Leigh) a highly emotional, dramatic, and manic story created with much improvisation. Perhaps what these films have in common is their raw emotion and their unclassifiable genre. They are truly funny films, because the lead characters are real and odd characters, but at the same time, they are deeply sad and uneasy films, because the characters truly suffer, and their suffering is not taken for granted or prettied up, which is what Hollywood writers and directors usually do with their suffering characters. It is not easy to pull it off--a drama-comedy. I suspect the key to a successful drama-comedy (or dramedy), is focusing on the character’s hearts. Staying close to what the characters want, and then being unbridled in the expression of those wants. Letting the audience in, so that we root so deeply for the characters that we live inside them, feeling along with them by lending them our hearts. When you get down to it, that’s how life really is--it’s both funny and tragic. Technically, a comedy ends in a marriage, and a tragedy ends in a death, but in real life, both comedy and tragedy live side by side. When you live life with a somewhat balanced perspective, you can almost always see both the tragic and the comic in any situation. When I studied and performed improvisation at Pan Theater in Oakland, the director of the theater’s philosophy was that, contrary to common opinion, the best improv is not always funny, it just has to be true. But the truth is, and this is what Del Close (the creator of Second City and the originator of improv technique) wrote about in his book, what’s true also happens to be what’s funny. As improvisers (and as actors in general) we were always encouraged to be honest, and told to never try to be funny. The more honest I was in my improvs, in other words: the more I used my true feelings and actual details from my life, the funnier the improvs would be. 

In Silver Linings Playbook, the main character, Pat, has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, (what used to be referred to as manic depressive) and has just spent 8 months in a mental institution because of a violent incident. I don’t want to give the plot away, as it was so enjoyable for me to watch with out knowing anything about the film ahead of time. Let’s just say it wasn’t hard to empathize with Pat, even if he can be explosive and violent and lacks social grace at times. He was running around with a bleeding, broken heart--and his family and friends stood by him, as they tried, at the same time, mostly unsuccessfully, to keep him out of trouble. When Pat meets Tiffany, time stops, and we fall in love with her before Pat knows what’s going on. Tiffany is also suffering a loss, and her suffering, as well as her natural personality, makes her raw, brutally honest, and terribly funny. It is she who brings dance for its own sake, to Pat as a form of therapy, romance and possible salvation.

I find the emotional honesty, created by either lack of social skills or spiritual urgency, of certain characters with mental illness to be refreshingly exhilarating to witness. There is some part of me that relates to that emotional rawness and romanticizes how freeing it might feel to have no choice but to express the emotional truth inside. Watching people express their craziness (in this case, intense fear, desire, rage) while scary at times, is also strangely comforting to me. They are expressing the truths, no matter how uncomfortable it makes the people around them, that most people try so hard to keep hidden. The two main characters, given a combination of their particular genetic makeup, and life circumstances, are just a little bit too sensitive to live life as most “normal people” do, and yet, “normal people” are really only a few points more self-contained on the same scale of humanity. I guess what I am trying to say is that when people have the courage or lack of control to wear their heart on their sleeve, (weather due to mental illness, being a child, or just being highly sensitive) I feel compelled to protect their hearts. When a movie or a book dares to express this same large-hearted emotional honesty, I want to share it with the world. 

I’d like to add one more note about Silver Linings Playbook--all the performances are brilliant and touching, especially the two leads played by Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence (who is a revelation). The film also features an exceptional performance by Robert DeNiro, who plays Pat’s father. I have never seen Robert DeNiro this vulnerable before.  Russell was somehow able to get through Robert DeNiro’s Robert DeNiro-ness, and helped him to reveal a flawed, sad, and well-meaning father with a violent past.

The illustration above is my tag line for a theme in the film, which you will understand (I hope) if/when you see the film.

By the way, I didn’t end up making that American Apparel order.

Meta Lab: Definition

ZOELAB DAY 106

Date of Original Post: December 15, 2012

I’ve been working hard, staying up way too late, working on the new additions to the ZOELAB website experience. I’ve been excited about it, excited to share it. Just now, I hit publish. It’s uploading as I type this. Part of what I want to add to the new website is the ABOUT page. It’s really held me up because I’ve found it so difficult to describe what this project is because it’s so many things all at once.  Since the day I conceived this project, I have kept a giant and growing list of all the different titles and descriptions for what ZOELAB is. I couldn’t possibly fit everything into one title or description. My solution was to call it ZOELAB (Lucas’ idea) and then having a running list of alternate descriptions on the upper left hand corner of the masthead. However, I want to have something a little more descriptive on the ABOUT page. 

Inspired by yesterday’s post about both/and I have created a one sentence description of ZOELAB that includes pretty much everything that it needs to include.

I am considering swapping out what’s written on the about page for this. Or perhaps, I will just link to this page on the ABOUT page. I imagine this sentence will continue to be adjusted:

Does that about sum it up, or did I miss something? Let me know what you think.

That Which Hinders Your Task Is Your Task

ZOELAB DAY 101

Original Date of Post: December 10, 2012

Sometimes life is about forgetting and remembering. I forget daily what it is that mattered to me most last time I felt inspired.

Do you ever have the feeling that you’re doing something no one’s ever done before? It’s a frightening feeling, even though it's the mind thinks it’s impossible. It’s the feeling of falling. But it’s also a fast and low feeling, like driving a motor boat or a car. A feeling that splits open the ego and lets the heart shine. I have that feeling now. And then suddenly, it’s gone. I waver somewhere between velocity and fear.

Have you ever dreamed of living an enchanted life? Filled with joy, heartache and mystery. My kind of enchantment includes mess, and acceptance too. Which brings me down to the ground. Which is often where I most need to be.

Stating where I am changes it inevitably. A block is only a block until I become aware of it, and then it is something to write about. Making art is sometimes about working through your anxiety. About showing up, about putting images and thoughts in the bank to be connected later.

Just now I received an email from my dad. This is what he wrote:

I see you're 'blocked' as you report. But don't forget I find your three spray bottles a targeted commentary on modern life: we have so much, so many choices it's necessary to wall them off and give each its own function.  This bottle is for cleaning, this bottle is for cleaning delicate vegetables, and this bottle is for cleaning babies' bottoms.  Whatever.  It's a remarkable image: three folks facing each other in a stand off.  It, along with your various "museums," is fun and revealing to explore.  Isn't it great to have a reservoir of images to fall back on when the well seems a bit dry?! If you end up missing a few days here and there it only shows you're human like the rest of us. Lighten up and fly right.

And in another email, coincidentally, I received this quote: 

“Knowing nothing need be done is where we begin to move from.”

I let go and I am able to move forward. I feel taken care of.

Creatures Night and Day

ZOELAB DAY 94

Original Date of Post: December 3 2012

There is something to be said for peeing under the stars. Where the crickets can see you. I can hear them now with their staccato siren call. A surround sound symphony easing me into night.

And the stars, they are here to remind me how empty I am, that there are star-sized spaces inside. And the moths, with their lamp worship, inspire and disgust me with their number and their diligence. In the morning, they are still there, calmer now, just sleeping through the day, where all light is equal.

To really arrive here, at home, is a relief. Living with the creatures, I find my way towards acceptance. We both can be ruthless. 

Today I destroyed a black widow nursery. Maybe. The tiny soft sacs cradled in web nests under the seat of the wrought iron chair. I poked them with the tips of the gardening shears I found yesterday. Then I saw the mamma, but I could not identify her in the book. I stomped on her with out knowing if she was dangerous. I, with my foot and my gardening shears, was dangerous. I spoke to her as I killed her, and I felt it. The brutality of nature. It’s that way sometimes, when we have someone we need to protect. 

Don't Let The Bastards Get You Down

ZOELAB DAY 334

Original Date of Post: August 3 2013

A poem written to my inner child.

Don’t let the bastards get you down, my little one.

Be strong, and bring forth the parts you know to be true.

For if you do not, you will have not lived the life you were blessed with.

Little women are lucky to have a strong and principled mother.

I have been with shaky principles, shaky sense of self.

I have been a prisoner in a tomb of outside aggrandizement.

I have been asleep and dreaming of darkness.

I have been so so asleep, so very small, in the worst way.

So very blind to the ways of darkness.

I have suddenly become greatful for the gift of words and clay.

I am alive with my own mistakes.

My mistakes are my past prisons, but are now my truths that set me free.

I am no longer waiting to die.

I am reliving my birth.

I am relieving my forgetfulness by accepting my disconnected heart.

I have refound my heart.
I have refound what is lost daily, but remembered 

through looking away for a moment.

My eyes are focused only by slowing down. Only by seeing my own disappointment and frustration.

There is no difference between truth and art.

The difference is discipline and honor. To honor truth with discipline is art.

There is no truth except that which is.

Come to me, little one,
Hold my hand. 

You have reason not to trust me because I have ignored you for so long. 

But you can see and feel that I am here right now. 

I have come back to you with my midnight mirror and my telescope.

I have come back just to hold your hand, 

and to listen to your most intimate secrets. 

To be the friend you dream of.

To be yours.

Only yours.

All yours.

I cannot promise anything because only this moment counts.

All there is is now.

All I can be is here.

You and I. 

I love you with deep truthful compassionate unconditional love.

My gift to you is to accept you exactly as you are with no judgment.

I see your great heart’s desires. I see your frustrations with your limitations.

To imagine is to be limitless.

It is the word of god.

Befriend your imagination.

And trust yourself. 
Accept yourself.

No matter how bad you think you may be.

What ever it is. It is,

And it must be.

A Letter from ZOELAB Headquarters

ZOELAB DAY 92

Date of Original Post: Saturday, December 1, 2012

 

Dear Reader:

Welcome to a new month of ZOELAB! (Please note that if you subscribe to the RSS feed, you have to resubscribe by clicking on the RSS button every month.)

I sincerely hope you have been having as much fun reading and looking at ZOELAB as I have had creating and sharing it. I have been working hard on it, harder and more consistently than I have ever worked on a single project. (But really this is not a single project, but more an amalgamation of many projects.) 92 days in a row, so far (give or take some days of falling behind and catching up). We have reached the first quarter of the year, and every day I feel more and more inspired. I feel like I climbing slowly into the creative flow that I always dreamed of, but never had the discipline to make happen. That is why I made myself accountable for posting for 365 days in a row--I knew instinctively that it was the way for me to become the artist/person I have always wanted to be.

I have many goals and dreams for the next three quarters of ZOELAB, including: to enhance the website experience (with theme pages and an about page), to complete and report on projects, to promote ZOELAB to increase readership, to find ways to create a more interactive experience (research how), to write a book proposal based on themes from ZOELAB, to create a manifesto, to submit ZOELAB content to other websites, blogs, and magazines.

Right now I have a very specific goal for ZOELAB. I would like to have a reader whom I have never met. I would be very excited to know that someone I don’t know is enjoying ZOELAB. If you are out there, please give me a sign (in the form of an email.) I would love to hear from you. 

Also, if you are a happy reader, please spread the word by emailing the link to people you know who might enjoy it.

For those of you who have written to me: thank you for your comments, encouragement, and stories. Hearing from you makes my day. I want you to know that I am not only doing this happiness project for me, but I am also doing it for you. My aim is not only to keep myself inspired and creative, it is also to entertain, inspire, connect and communicate with you. This is an act of love and of revolution. I am risking my ego, my anonymity and my normalcy to open my heart and make this virtual connection. This experience so far has expanded my enchantment with every day living. I truly hope, it is, in some way doing the same for you. Thank you for experiencing this with me. It means the world to me that you are out there. 

Heart out,
Zoë

Projects, Parenting & Spray Bottles, Part Four

ZOELAB DAY 91

Original Date of Post: November 30, 2012

Anytime my activity at hand is seen by Emilio, not as something getting in the the way of my attention towards him, but rather something he can be part of, is a step in the right direction. It means that I can have a life other than being his mom that he can witness. It makes our relationship more mutual. This is a natural phase of development, when the child is no longer only interested in the parent entering his world, but when he wants to enter the parent’s world. I think it’s important, especially for a preschool kid (in this case preschool really means at home, not yet in school) to see that his mommy has a life other than him. For the first time as a Mom, I am allowing more of the other parts of my self into my relationship with Emilio. 

That being said, there are still many daily activities that I can do only when Emilio is asleep or away.

All Alone Activities

Reading

I don’t think I have the ability to concentrate on reading in his presence. For this reason, I don’t read as much as I’d like. But I should give it another try. I certainly read him books all the time. Sometimes I try to make it fun for myself by thinking the reading as an acting role or by allowing myself to get lost in the world the illustrations create. For this reason, I try hard to find books for Emilio that I love to look at too. That way I am getting to have an aesthetically inspiring experience while reading to him.

Writing/Blogging

If I attempt to work on my computer in his presence, he will immediately zone in on my computer, want to sit on my lap and ask to type, click on random images on the screen with the cursor, or ask to watch something. (He used to hum and haw and beat around the bush for a few minutes (Mamma, how’s your ipod doing? orA movie would be really fun, do you like movies?” before asking. Now he just cuts to the chase: “Mamma, I’m angling to watch a movie.”) But, if I am writing in my journal or writing notes on random scraps of paper, he will grab a pen and a piece of paper and say that he is writing a list or notes too. He creates his own version of writing. 

Making Music

Since he was a baby Emilio protests dramatically every time I pick my guitar. I think it has something to do with where it’s placed on my body--I imagine he sees the guitar as a block between him and me. And he’s right, in a way. I really hope this will change some day, as it means that the only time that I can feel free to play guitar is at night. It’s the same with singing. Since he was a baby, I sang Emilio Summertime before he went to sleep until one day when he yelled in protest when I tried to sing him a lullaby. He no longer wants to tolerate my singing--which is not so easy for me to take as singing both my deepest expression and insecurity. There of course are some exceptions, and Emilio and I have made music together on a few rare occasions. One time we made up a song together that I recorded--see I’m a rock-n-roll thing. There was a brief period when we had “family band” practice. Me on guitar, Emilio on drums, and Lucas on recorder. 

I suppose the lesson in this is to be willing to compromise a little: to find ways to include Emilio in what I’m doing so that it’s fun and satisfying for both of us. 

Note to reader: For more about this subject matter and to see photo of Emilio sprayinghis water bottle in the shower, check out Attention. Also see Art with Children.

Projects, Parenting & Spray Bottles, Part Three

ZOELAB DAY 90

Original Date of Post: November 29, 2012

I have the world’s best excuse for not doing dishes tonight (besides the ones laid out in yesterday’s post)--we’re out of water. Don’t worry, we’ll have water tomorrow--I can pump water into our roof tanks. But for tonight, no water. I had forgotten we were out of water, and I tried to wash my hands

Activities that can be completed while parenting with full or partial attention

Pedicure

Sometimes I give myself a pedicure while Emilio takes his bath on the patio. (The last time we did this he still fit in his bathtub which is really a plastic cooler. I am not sure he will fit in it anymore.) As he enjoys splashing in his tub, I enjoy soaking, scrubbing, and grooming my feet. After a while, he becomes interested in what I am doing and asks if he can have a pedicure too. He thinks a pedicure is an object he can have. I let him rub some cream on his feet and he loves it. He will usually split attention between what I am doing and what he is doing, and his enjoyment lasts for the entire pedicure process.

Baking Bread

This is a classic full time attention activity (where our attention is both on the activity at hand) with an equally shared result--fresh, warm, delicious bread! The recipe I use is from the New York Times adaption of the Sullivan Street Bakery No Knead Bread. I learned it from my Dad, who bakes it all the time. It looks beautiful, is very easy to make--no kneading, just a lot of rising and tastes incredibly good, like my favorite bread kind of good with a soft, chewy interior and a hard, crusty exterior. Anyway, it’s so easy to make, it almost doesn’t make sense not to make it. Emilio loves to make the bread dough. He helps measure the ingredients out and mixes the gloppy, sticky mess--which is very fun to play with. Then we let the dough sit for 16 hours. The next day, it has to be handled a little bit more (not kneaded though) and then eventually gets baked for 30 minutes in a dutch oven with the lid on and then 15 more minutes with the lid off. The sense of accomplishment that we both get from the experience increases the pleasure of eating the bread. One loaf usually lasts 2 days in our family.

Watercolors

I did try my idea of putting watercolor paint in spray bottles, but it didn’t quite live up to my expectations. It was hard to get enough color intensity, and it became clear right away that the mess was going to be unmanageable for me. Emilio seemed into it, but I just couldn’t let it go on. But, then I got Emilio interested in classic watercolor painting, while sitting at the table, and Emilio focused intently on his painting for enough time for me to pack up our stuff to get ready to go. 

Collage

This is a great activity that we enjoy doing together, or Emilio also can do it alone. Some materials I like to use are: construction paper, dry beans, googly eyes, Lotteria cards, pipe cleaners, origami paper, magazines to cut. (Next time I want to try a nature collage, where we collect objects outside as our materials.)

Exercise/Getting the Rawrgies Out

I like to take the opportunity for us both the get some exercise. Rather than trying to find someone to watch him while I spend money and drive to a class, I can put on music we both like and start jumping around--on the bed, or the floor. Yesterday I played the music from Yo Gabba Gabba, (Emilio’s new favorite show that we just discovered in LA) which is great and arty, with electronic beats and catchy repetitive phrases. “Try it.   You’ll like it. Try it.   You’ll like it” The songs remind me of songs we’d make up on our own, but with electric beats added.

Imaginative Play (with toys we both like)

My current favorite is pretend play with Vintage Fisher Price Little People. Now this doesn’t seem necessarily like an activity where I am getting something done, but it is, indirectly. Not only is engaging in imaginative play the best way that children learn, but it also gives me the opportunity to develop my imagination, which is necessary for most of the projects I am working on. That being said, active playtime with Emilio probably teach me lessons about almost everything I care about: creativity, improvisation, happiness, love, psychology, humor, relationships, and the list goes on...

Cooking

Sometimes when Emilio sees me start to cook dinner, he asks if he can help. Without hesitation I set him up with a mini chopping board, butter knife and a vegetable to cut. He looses interest after a few minutes, but he loves the feeling of contributing to dinner. 

To be continued...

Projects, Parenting & Spray Bottles, Part Two

ZOELAB DAY 89

Date of Original Post: November 28, 2012

General home upkeep is also now an activity I do while Emilio is awake or around—I also don’t like tidying the house at night, and now that I have deemed it a daytime activity, I can be more engaged in the process of cleaning or organizing, while still being partially engaged with Emilio. I can give him some attention, by engaging in his play by asking him evocative questions, while at the same time accomplishing house care: sweeping, tidying up, etc. It’s only been a few days of this new approach, but so far I am encouraged by how much I’m accomplishing while still giving Emilio the attention he needs. Of course it helps that we have just returned from a trip, so we are both happy to be home--Emilio with a reinvigorated attitude towards his toys, and me with a reinvigorated attitude towards returning to my projects and organizing our home (partially in preparation for the next wave of objects from our past that Lucas will be carting back in the trailer and the fast coming tourist season.) 

Mopping

House cleaning and organizing can also be a full-attention parenting activity. In other words a joint activity you can do with your child. One rare day I felt like mopping the floor to our house (like dishwashing, mopping is not on my favorite house chore--I strongly prefer sweeping or wiping down surfaces), and as I got out the mop and the spray bottle (filled with half vinegar and half water-a great natural and inexpensive disinfectant) I saw a glint in Emilio’s eye and I asked if he wanted to help. He wanted to be the one to spray the vinegar water on the tile floor while I mopped the area he sprayed. We both had a lot of fun and felt equally motivated to clean the entire floor this way. I felt a deep satisfaction at having a clean space, and all the more so because we had managed to accomplish and make fun, a chore that I had always found tedious. And I didn’t have to spend any precious alone time doing it. 

Wiping Surfaces

On another day, we decided we wanted to use the coffee table to draw, but it was dirty and needed to be cleaned. Again, I got out the spray bottle and a rag. I let him spray the entire table with the spray and wipe as much as he wanted, and then I added some finishing touches. After we were done, I felt like I could breathe better. I remarked at how nice it was to have the table all clean. I asked Emilio if he liked having it clean (hoping I could instill a cleanliness gene in him mentally instead of through DNA) and he said “yes.” And then I asked him why. And he said “because we sprayed and wiped it.” What he liked was not the result of table being clean, but the activity in itself, the experience of cleaning. Wouldn’t I keep the house cleaner if I saw it the same way?

Cleaning Up Toys

Another activity that can be done with full attention, and therefore becomes a good parenting moment and a good house care moment, is cleaning up toys. Now because the space we live in is a shared space by three unique individuals (Ping, covered in fleas, does not come in the house--which is the Mexican way with dogs) , it is easily overtaken by any one of us. I find that I feel happier at night if Emilio’s toys are already put away. I also think tidying up is a good skill for him to learn. Therefore, another one of the evening rituals I try to do is clean up toys as part of bedtime routine. I dangle the three books he will have for night time as a motivator, which usually works, unless he is so tired that he will resist just to resist. In which case I don’t ask him to clean up his toys in order to keep clean up time free of negative associations (you’ve got to pick your battles.) Ihave come up with an organization system, using various containers of shapes and sizes to help contain his toys. Therefore cleaning up becomes as much a sorting game as it does a chore. Even Emilio’s friends know which types of toys go in which containers. For example: the 1950’s white vinyl train case (from Ruth, my mother in law, who, on an overall life simplification jag, dispersed her impressive collection of vintage suitcases and train cases) holds the dolls and doll furniture (I guess some day we will get/make him a doll house), the metal Japanese Snoopy tin holds his collection of 1960’s and 70’s Fisher Price Little People, the cylindrical oatmeal tin holds his magnets (and becomes a great magnet toy in itself). My point is that cleaning up can be challenging and fun when it’s a sorting game. Sometimes as an extra motivator I add the challenge of competition-the point system. Every time someone puts a toy in a container I call out “I got a point. I got two points. You got a point” and so on. It’s just like a basketball game, but there’s lots of balls and we put them in the same hoop. This usually works in getting Emilio to put away his toys, but sometimes he still resists, and then his own internal motivator kicks in--he makes a new game where he finds creative ways (usually involving toes) to pick up the toys and put them in their appropriate container. It’s not as quick as my point method, but whatever works in the current circumstance is what’s best.

To be continued...

Note to reader: the power cord to my computer just burnt out on me, which means that I will not be able to charge my computer after it dies, which means I might be delayed in getting the next posts out until I can borrow or buy a new one. Yikes!

Projects, Parenting & Spray Bottles, Part One

ZOELAB DAY 88 

Date of Original Post: November 27, 2012

I used to think that it was impossible to get anything done while parenting. I guess that’s because it used to be impossible to get anything done while parenting. But, things have changed. Now that Emilio is three years old, and has expanded his attention span and developed a lovely imagination, we can work on projects together that we both enjoy. Painting with watercolors is currently the main activity in our lives that we both equally love. (Some of my watercolor illustrations this month were done while I was painting with Emilio). It’s relatively messy, but not compared to poster paint or finger painting, or even baking. It’s an art form that has the added element of water play, a beloved activity for many children. Emilio loves water play and will spend long amounts of time squirting a spray bottle filled with water. That just gave me an idea! I can put up large pieces of butcher paper on the walls outside, fill a spray bottle with watercolor paint, and he can make watercolorsquirt paintings. I can’t wait to try this tomorrow! Anyway, I suppose all kids projects are messy, especially for this mother and this kid. Every time Emilio “plays toys,” in a manner of minutes, Emilio’s toys are spread all over the living room floor. Many of his toys end up in the kitchen, under the couch and under the bed. This is partly because we live in a one-room house (plus attached bodega), but partly because Emilio is Señor Rough-on-stuff. I can’t blame him, as I, in my own way, am pretty careless with our objects as well. 

My goal lately has been to become more efficient with my planning and time so that I can truly have the time I need to complete all the projects I’m dedicated to—creating for ZOELAB, planning workshops for Art For Life, sewing for Seis Doce, planning my tv show, playing music again, wedding planning, organizing our home, planting our garden, while at the same time staying present and relaxed and having fun. A tall order for sure. With the exception of my one day a week job, I am a mostly stay-at-home mom who lives with a part-time working dad, and a not yet school aged kid, in a not-so-finished off the grid house in the desert, so I need to balance all these projects with family life, pre-Victorian household chores and parenting. In my attempt to look somewhat objectively at my life, so that I can find ways to become more organized and efficient with my time, I have come up with a system of categorizing my daily at home activities: those I can do while parenting with full attention, those I can do while parenting with partial attention, those I can do when Emilio is not around, and those I can do when no one’s around. 

Activities that can be completed while parenting with either full or partial attention

Dishwashing

I have decided that dishwashing should no longer be an after Emilio goes to bed activity, or an activity I do when I have some time alone. That’s just a waste of my alone time. Dishwashing should be done while Emilio is playing, or with Emilio. After years of being torn between Emilio and the dishes (an easy contest in Emilio’s favor), I am now astonished that Emilio asks to wash dishes with me. It’s become a fun activity to do together. I separate all unbreakable dishes for him to wash with his own pot of soapy water and he is so happy to make bubbles and use the sponge for almost the entire time of dishwashing. (Though I do have to step inwith some occasional damage control as he loves to splash water all over everything.) In my attempts to make dishwashing more appealing and doable for me, and to inspire me to keep the kitchen cleanliness at a higher level, I have come up with two key times a day to do the dishes: once in the morning, right after breakfast, while the day is fresh, and once in the evening, right before dinner. From the efficiency point of view (thinking specifically about how much time is spent washing dishes) No matter when I do dishes, I am going to spend the same amount of time doing dishes, so if I have to dishes anyway, doesn’t it make sense for me to wash them more often, in smaller doses so that I can enjoy looking at a clean kitchen, rather than saving the dishwashing until our entire is sink is filled with dishes and it’s so overwhelming that it makes me (or anyone who enters the kitchen) avoid it even longer. Additionally, I realized I really detest doing dishes after dinner, and this way I don’t have to, I can wash them when I have more energy and there’s more light. Now when Emilio asks for me to read to him or play with him after breakfast I can say “after I’m done with the dishes,” and that really means in only 15 minutes as opposed to the hour that it would take me to wash the terrifying pile of dishes in our sink that has been accumulating all week. Of course, I realize if one is to have success at dishes upkeep, one must absolutely start from a completely clean kitchen otherwise one might lose hope fast. Returning home to a thoroughly cleaned kitchen after our trip helped give me the boost I needed to turn over a new leaf.

To be continued...

Child-like

ZOELAB DAY 337

Date of original post: August 6, 2013

27 signs that my inner kid is still very much alive

1) Usually my main goal is having fun

2) I am often disappointed when others are not like this

3) My favorite colors for outfits are inspired by romper room

4) When I buy a present for my child, I am not sure if it’s for me or him

5) My favorite place to be is lying down on the floor

6) I fight with my child over toys 

7) I like to set up little creativity and play areas all over the house

8) I always want to be mirrored

9) I like making a mess, and I don’t like to clean it up

10) My sources for art inspiration are comic books, children’s books and animation

11) My favorite snacks are carrot sticks, apple slices, and cheddar bunnies

12) I want to do everything my self, in my own way

13) My best collection is my Snoopy Collection

14) I still wear Swatch watches and Le Sports Sac purses

15) I hope for underoos in my size

16) My favorite things to draw are hearts, stars, butterflies and flowers

17) My preferred drawing tools are markers

18) I am primarily focused on when my next snack will take place and what it will be

19) I am most enthusiastic about: learning new things, toys, colorful objects, presents, pasta and ice cream

20) I still want to have my friends over for play dates

21) My favorite activities are making up songs, goofy dancing, imaginary play, and games

22) The best reason to do something is because I feel like it

23) If someone is mean to me or I don’t get what I want, I cry

24) I love to do cartwheels and stand on my head

25) I refuse to wear Band-Aids for grown ups

26) I crave the kind eyes of loving attention

27) I still have all my my favorite stuffed animals

dichotomies/dualities

ZOELAB DAY 105

Date of Original Post: December 14, 2012

Being a person who is filled with contradictions and multiplicity in identity, (as we all are) I have found it painful and unnatural to align myself with any one side of a dichotomy. I have come to believe, as the Taoists do, that in life, all things and thoughts have an opposite that is equally true. Nature is predicated on the balance between opposites: birth/death, light/dark, creation/destruction, and so on. If we ignore one half of a dichotomy or judge it, then we are not balanced, we are not allowing ourselves to the see and experience the whole and natural truth. As it is said: “you can’t have one with out the other.”

During my training to become a psychotherapist/expressive arts therapist with a spiritual perspective, which included years of personal therapy, I learned about “splitting”, which in Freudian terms, is a primitive defense mechanism that the ego creates for its emotional protection from anxiety (or any threatening emotion). Splitting is when the ego, for the sake of protecting the good part of a person, or an experience, splits off her perception of the person into two parts--All Good or All Bad. Instead of seeing the self, another person or an experience as one integrated whole with complexity, contradictions and ambivalence, with both good and bad parts, the splitter sees only two separate parts or just one part. Splitting is “black and white thinking” at the psychological level.

Black and white thinking or splitting occurs also at a cultural level (as is apparent in bipartisan politics.) There is pressure in Western culture to make a choice, to specialize, to take a side, to act. It is not acceptable to be in-between categories, or to exist opposing categories. These pressures stem from the left side of the brain, which is, in itself, a bias in Western culture. Generally speaking, perhaps since the start of agrarian culture, we have been a left-brain dominated society that favors masculinity, action and rationality over femininity, receptivity, emotion. (For a fascinating read that suggests that culture turned from a right brain dominated (or at least equal brained) culture to a left brain dominated culture with the introduction of the alphabet and literacy, read The Goddess Vs. The Alphabet by Leonard Shlain.)

The last few days I’ve been listening to a book called A Whole New Mind by Daniel Pink, which proposes a compelling argument that American culture is moving from left brain dominant (information age) towards right brain dominant (conceptual age). He outlines “6 senses” that he believes will be necessary to master in order to thrive in the conceptual age: design, story, symphony, empathy, play and meaning. I would say these are the qualities I focus on in this blog. Being a right brain type of person I received this news with great pleasure and relief. After a lifetime of feeling unaccepted and alienated for being highly emotional, intuitive, and non-linear, I feel somehow validated, and understood. It’s as if, suddenly, there was a little bit more space for people like me in the world. By the way, I just did an online right/brain test and I scored 55% right brain, 45% left brain. 50% auditory, 50% visual. Perhaps this means I am becoming more balanced between right and left. It would be interesting to compare these results to the results I would have gotten when I was a child.

I truly believe, in society, and as individuals, we need to use BOTH sides of our brain (there it is again: the androgynous mind) for balance and optimum function. This is one of the underlying points of the Daniel Pink’s book. Discovering my tendency to split in graduate school, which caused much meaningless suffering, I decided I needed to change my either/or thinking to both/and thinking. I don’t have to decide if I am a clean or a messy person. I can be both! Both and thinking is integration--allowing space for all parts to exist simultaneously and harmoniously. Both/and becomes everything/and. Accepting multiplicity allows space for mystery and complexity in humanity and society.

When The Going Gets Tough

When the going gets tough,

remember to paint a picture

of your heart

where the tiny voice speaks

to you

in its sorrow, and in its rage and its wanting.

It says:

“It is never too late to hear me.

But if it has been a long time,

Then you might need to approach

Gently,

With a compassion that is

Just beyond your reach,

And requires you to jump into an empty, dark space.

But if you take that courageous leap,

you will win me back,

and your will

becomes aligned

with mine.”