Blogging through a Block
I was experiencing a flow I have never quite felt before. I felt like I had finally mastered how to manage my anxiety and the voices of my triage of inner critics, who I have affectionately named: "The Self Police" "The Task Master" and "The Judge." I had been feeling myself more and more aligned with the larger, less-ego driven purpose of the higher self. I found myself avoiding the normal pitfalls of getting into fights with my husband. I was reaching out more and more to my friends--practicing new levels of authenticity and vulnerability. I was back to a weekly thing with the blog. I was feeling more confident about my music, and sharing it more. I had made the assumption that it would stay like that. I got attached to the way things were with out acknowledging that all things are impermanent, even moments of spiritual expansion. And then, Bam! That's the moment that ego comes in and says: "Ha!" "I knew you needed me, and here is my moment to prove that to you!"
And then for about a week now, I find myself drawn into overly caring what other people think, or say about me or my work. I find myself assuming that a lack of response to something I put out in the world is a sure indication that I am powerless, ineffectual or unsuccessful. Every response or lack of response triggers shame and self doubt. I wake up too early every morning. My head focusing on what I didn't get done the previous day. The usual tools don't seem to be working: meditation, free writing, herbal medicine, talking with caring friends, hypnosis recordings. I have moments of relief, but keep returning to a base anxious state. Or I fall into dips of depression--not being able to see where I am going or why I cared in the first place. The result is a block. I avoid my music, my writing, my blogging, my journaling, my art. These are the very things I promote, and I cannot teach them or promote them if I am avoiding them myself.
However, even though I have been in a struggle, I have not completely gotten lost. Just last night, in the midst of anxiety, the voice of my higher self came through and said: "your pain is another opportunity to awaken."
And then this morning, after crying, I remembered to listen to my audio book of A New Earth, by Eckharte Tolle this morning, which quickly reminded me, for the gazillionth time that the purpose of life is to be present, and to let the illusion of separateness & ego dissolve into a more universal connection with the All of life. And with that reminder, I returned to being more present in my overtired, dehydrated body. When we don't feel good physically, it is so natural to want to spend time up into the head, a dangerous space because it's where identification with ego happens. But being in the body can happen tenderly. Little by little. Sensing aliveness in parts of the body. The hands. The face. The experience of breath.
Playing with awareness. This is what I teach in my dance lab class. And this is what I need in order to return to presence. Put your awareness where it is tolerable. And then slowly put it where it is less tolerable, and soon enough, every human experience becomes tolerable, becomes an opportunity to experience pure life.
And only now, could I finally make it back here to the blog. To share the block and the awareness of the block. And this is how we unblock. Little by little.
Start from where you are. And that will get you back into flow.
If I want to help people to be more alive, more human, more fully themselves, I need to be willing to share my process too. So here it is.
Comments? Questions? Stories to share?